yes, life is messy, like scattered pieces of jigsaw puzzle lying around on top of one another, all looking a lot similar to one another but actually fit in one spot, and one spot only. the only way you can solve the puzzle is by not losing any pieces of that puzzle. some were born with this immaculate ability to solve puzzles within a short period of time. others with not so much intellectuality going on in their heads would need more than a couple of hours. nevertheless they would solve the puzzle, eventually. it might take months or at the very most years, but with every piece in your possession, solving it is not a myth. on the other hand, if you lost only one, just one piece from the hundreds of pieces that you have, it would never be complete. like ever. there would always be that empty spot on the jigsaw board, an empty corner left bare, unattended, gone. so you see the importance of keeping all the pieces with you at all time, at all cost. never risk losing it over some dumb doorbell or favourite tv shows, because while you're busy attending other business, you lost whatever it is that you chose to keep on hold.
life's like that exactly.
have you ever gathered up your broken courage, mustered up all your remaining strength, just to give the privilege to a certain someone to have a piece of you each time you let him sees the real you, and soon you found yourself giving them more pieces each time without even knowing it? at the end of the day, you were left with this one small part of you that you don't even recognize anymore because it's too insignificant and distant from whom you used to be. but does it bother you to lose that many pieces of you to someone? no you don't. because love makes you immune to all the pain to the point that you just simply don't care anymore. which is fine because we humans are wired that way, to withstand the pain of being in love, just so we could continue our own bloodline, no matter how painful and heart-wrenching it is. but what happens if all that crashed? collapsed and become beyond repair? you already gave away almost all pieces, so you have to start over with what little pieces that you have left. that's when you realized that it's going to hurt bad before it gets better. thinking every sick love song is written for you, even when you know they're not. that every one of his facebook status got you wondered whether they were meant for you, or someone else who's taken over your place. that what if he has found someone who can make him forget you or that is it even possible for him to meet someone who knows him like you do. and that's why people shouldn't fall in love. you'll crack under the illusion that happily ever after exists, that prince charming will sweep you off your feet, all those craps they made you believe when you were young - screwed them.
and yet, knowing this, we fell in love. still we did again and again with the same person, hurting ourselves deeper each time. why? because we're humans. and when they say that people grow up, they were lying straight to your face. we humans never grow up or grow old. the farthest we go is to live in denial. but the sweet vulnerable child remains, hidden inside from plain view. afraid of being seen, scared of being rejected. like a child hopes for santa clause, tooth fairy, and magic wand, we grown ups hope for the most impossible like love. that somehow we would make it all safe and secure. we continue hoping, that's what we did. and because we couldn't give up hoping, we fell in love. but above all, at one point of your life, you would wonder of what if. what if you didn't succumb to that little voice inside your heart? what if instead of opening up, you chose to turn around and walk away from that someone, holding all pieces of you intact, not giving away one bit of them? what if you chose to never finding out what love is and how it feels like to be in it? would it make you less broken than you are now? less incomplete with the absence of that someone? or is it better to live with the memories of love rather than not knowing what love is at all? these are all big ifs, in which the answers are subjected to individuals. what you define as meaningful determines how you answered these questions.
as for me, i knew that pain is something that no matter how much you deny, how hard you scrub it away, it won't leave. it stays like this dry cough that clogged your throat and no amount of cough syrup swallowed could cure you. all you can do is wait. because pain is something that will go away on its own. it will subside gradually and in a very long time for most people. like post surgery recovery. some had it easy, they recover almost immediately, all up and running like the surgery never happens. for some, the pain, struggle and trauma remain for many many years, that eventually they become accustomed to that pain that they forgot they had it. so they wait.
i am waiting as well, by the way.
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