farewell to thee.

wahai 2010, aku mahu tinggal kamu dengan senyuman agar aku bisa sambut saudaramu yang mendatang dengan lebih bahagia. maka kau senyumlah untukku, sepertimana aku akan ingati tiap kenangan yang kau lampir di tiap helaian hidupku.

wahai 2010, kau tinggalkanlah ingatan yang baik indah itu dalam hatiku, kerana ia akan menukar tiap sendu di wajah aku dengan senyuman cerah, menongkah laluan masa depanku tika sukar. dan untuk segala ingatan yang menyakitkan itu, kau sembuhkanlah ia dengan tiap saat yang kau hadirkan kelak. segala kesakitan kesepian semalam, kau tukarkanlah ia menjadi mimpi, biarlah aku ingati semua pedih itu seolah ia mimpi indah panjang pada malam pekat.

wahai 2010, kau pejamkanlah mataku walau sejenak, untuk aku titip rasa yang pernah ada dalam hati, tidak kira bahagia, tidak kira sedih. untuk aku anggap ia sekadar mimpi menguji teguhnya hati. dan bila tiba waktu aku membuka mata nanti, kau akan hilang seakan deru angin yang berlalu, seakan tahi bintang yang jatuh, seakan demam yang telah kebah, begitulah kau akan hilang. segalanya akan kembali tenang nyaman, seolah kau tak pernah hadir. dan di tempatmu itu, akan kau gantikan sinar yang baru, harapan yang agung, untuk aku julang tinggi dan menyambutnya dengan mesra. akan kusambut tahun mendatang dengan gembira, kerana pernah adanya kau bersama aku mencipta kenangan bersama.

wahai 2010, terima kasih untuk tiap kenangan yang kita lakar saban hari, untuk tiap kasih yang kau simpulkan, untuk tiap pengalaman yang kau hadirkan. kerana pernah adanya kamu, akan aku sambung perjuangan hati untuk mencari redha penciptaku.

wahai 2010, maafkan aku untuk tiap semangat pudar, untuk tiap tangis sendu kala lemah, untuk masa yang berlalu kosong. mahunya aku penuhi ruang gelap terdahulu dengan cahaya terang masa depan, maka kau maafkanlah khilaf silam aku padamu kerana aku mahu senyum, aku tak mahu terus hidup dalam bayang-bayang kamu. aku tersangat mahu senyum, peganglah kata-kata aku ini.

wahai 2010, pergilah kamu dengan perlahan-lahan agar kehilanganmu takkan terkesan bagiku. maka waktu akhirnya, aku mahu senyum padamu dan bisikkan ucap selamat ini.

farewell to thee.

fireworks.

first times are all about fireworks, isn't it? kali pertama masuk sekolah, kali pertama tahu puasa penuh baru boleh raya (kononlah..), kali pertama dapat demam campak berpeta-peta, kali pertama jatuh cintalah, kali pertama jatuh perigi (ada ke??), apa-apa lagi lah yang pertama. the first time always, always means so much to you, just because you have never felt it before. it's like seeing fireworks for the first time. all the ooh-ing and ahh-ing, the glimmers and colours all sky-rocketed high up in the sky. the crowds cheering and gushing over it. almost as if the rainbows are bursting from their pathways and decide to venture out into the night sky. to put it simply, it was magical. kali pertama itu adalah hati yang muda cekal, belum tahu akan dinginnya hujan dan dalamnya lautan. seolah melihat bunga api pada tiap tahun baru, merasai hangatnya sinar warna dan cerahnya langit malam. dan kerana itulah, aku fikir tiap dari kita mahukan selalu adanya bunga api itu. tapi hidup ini bukanlah bunga api semata. ia akan hadir, sepertinya ia akan hilang. tahukah kamu setelah bunga api itu hilang, apa yang digantikan dalam hidupmu? the moment the fireworks end, you will never come across any of them again, but you'll see thousands of fire afterwards.

iya, kau akan temu api yang marak yang pada kamu cukup panas dan perit. waktu itu kau akan keluh dan rintih akan bencinya kamu pada api-api itu. kau mahukan bunga api yang indah, bukan api yang marak pedih. kerana rindunya kamu akan bunga api itu, kau palingkan hidupmu dari api itu sedang kala itu tubuhmu cukup dingin dan air matamu terlalu deras mengalir. sedarkah kamu waktu itu agaknya api itu bisa hangatkan hidupmu, dan akan keringkan sedih hatimu yang menangis? fireworks are meant to be seen from the ground, yes the beauty is there right in front of you but it is not meant to be hold on to, to be reached out to. ia hanya bisa kau lihat dan puja, takkan mampu kau sentuh dan dakap erat. but still you long for the fireworks when all you really need is just fire. you don't need the sparks of a firework, all you need is the warmth of a fire. life is not always about what you want, sometimes it's about what you need. cukuplah sekali kau rasa tenangnya bunga api, tapi hendaklah berkali-kali kau harungi api marak supaya kau tahu tuhan itu akan uji kamu dengan sakitnya api dan bukan sekadar indahnya percikan bunga api.

maka, di saat kau dihadapkan dengan dugaan pelbagai, kau sambutlah dengan tiap redha dalam hati kerana kau sudah tahu bukan apa itu perit terbakar, apa itu api marak. jangan pernah berhenti berjuang, teruskan langkah itu walau kau tersandar terhakis pilu. jadilah api yang bisa kau raup walau panas, daripada menanti bunga api indah yang jauh tak tergapai tanganmu. fight well, for every battle you lose, you'll only become stronger. but for each battle won, you are one step closer to reach your happy end. tak kiralah walau kau berjuang untuk orang tuamu, sahabatmu, pendidikanmu, mahupun bangsamu, perjuangkan percayamu, dan angkat tinggilah agamamu bersama, kau akan terbang lebih tinggi dari bunga api itu. tuhan itu mendengar tiap doa hamba-hamba yang jujur memohon. kala sukar, jangan kau hina beban ujian itu apatah lagi tuhan yang menguji itu. ingatlah, setiap yang tertulis di Luh Mahfuz itu bisa disangkal dengan utuhnya doa. assalamualaikum.

the chronicles of a garbage collector.

i loathed her, this garbage collector. even before she was born, i always dreamed about drowning her if she ever come out of the womb. and on the day she was born, i knew deep in my soul that this would be one living creature i'd love to hate. at that tender age of five, other kids my age were probably playing tug-of-war or riding their three-wheeled bicycle. but not me. i was too busy plotting out revenge to exterminate this pest. i purposely banged her head against the wall while she was in cradle, of course with no one around. i seriously thought that she would end up with a permanent head damage. but she was stronger. it was as if she knew that that was just the start of a series of torture and that she needs to endure them in order to keep being alive.

i tried many other dangerous missions to put an end to her life, but all were to no avail. she is one lucky garbage collector. i tried tripping her face down every time she was alone. but she kept getting up. i was beginning to wonder if she was by any chance an incarnation of hercules or xena the warrior princess. but that was not possible, because she was so limp and skinny. it's a miracle how she can survive the assasination attempt. i watched her as she grew up, collecting more garbage every day. piling them up without any intention to find new things to do. it sickens me to my stomach. i felt like regurgitating my meals. but i was hopeless. there was nothing i could do to stop her. she became more invincible each day.

as she approached her teenage years, she became this obsessed garbage collector who found pleasure by living in an incinerator as if it was five-star hilton. i did not get it at all. the incinerator was damp and dirty, yet she enjoyed every second of her life in that dark cold place. i decided to give her a piece of my mind but to my shocked, she snapped back. she began piling up garbage even more excessively as a sign of protest. the foulty smell and messy view has now infiltrated my place as well. and i noticed that this garbage collector would rummage around my closet without my permission and the next thing i knew, my clothes and belongings had already turned into trash that she piled up together with her existing garbage. she was like this sick virus, an influenza that needs to be contained for the safety of others. there was like this massive difference between us that bordered us into two separate spaces. mine with the crystal clear corner and she with her messed up space. it has been that way from then until today.

people who haven't lived with a garbage collector would have no idea how tough it can be. well i have. she was bad news all along. i had to wake up every day and remind myself not to kill this garbage collector for it would not be worth it. someday she would see what a nuisance her job is and quit being a garbage collector. that would be the day i would jump with relief. but until then, i just have to endure every pain that i have inflicted upon her when she was a baby, as i have now become her target. i know what she's trying to do. i can see it. she wants to win this war so bad. well i won't let her. all i have to do is to remind myself that this garbage collector is sadly my biological sister and that killing her is so not my job. that would be my mum's. that is, if mum can actually outwin her. as i'm blogging this, i can't see the floor of my bedroom by the way because it was scattered with her dirty laundry, overused tissue papers, school books that she never-read-but-opened-them-to-trick-mum-into-believing-that-she-did, candy wrappers, chocolate wrappers, shopping plastic bags, stationery, identity card, exam schedule, and many other types of garbage identified only by herself as the leftover texture was so terrifying for others to do so. this is the chronicles of a garbage collector, seen from the eyes of a depressed elder sister.

of forgive and forget.

"Forgiveness is not something that we do for other people. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on."

assalamualaikum wbt. macam biasa bangun pagi buat kerja ala-ala bibik sikit, musim cuti memang macam ni sebab para ibu akan melancarkan kempen melatih anak gadis (akulah tu..) sebagai suri rumah walau hakikatnya akan ramai saja nanti yang still akan bekerja walau berkahwin (akulah tu..). takkan aku nak campak transkrip dalam longkang atau buat bungkus lepat pisang kan ahaha. dan agaknya bibik semua suka betul time students cuti, boleh diorang balik medan ke jawa ke palembang ke. ok ok my history was never that good in school. can you just let that fact slip from your mind, lupakan tentang kelemahan subjek sejarah aku zaman sekolah? atau kamu lebih senang mengetahui akan kelemahan itu dan memaafkan aku?

bercakap tentang memaafkan dan melupakan ni, aku terpanggil untuk share satu movie yang pada aku cukup riveting - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. ok first off, this is the unofficial trailer and i chose this one over the official one because the latter contains this deceptively happy song that may illustrate that it's a romantic comedy, when really it's not. ia pada jiwa ringkasku adalah sebuah kisah yang cukup sedih. dan bagi yang tak pernah langsung tahu tentang movie ini, i suggest you to take some time alone and watch it. why alone? sebab dengan bersendirianlah selalunya manusia tahu erti menghargai tiap satu yang singgah dalam dinginnya hati. lihatlah, kerana mungkin ada hakikat hidup yang kamu terlepas pandang selama ini tapi akan kamu temukan ertinya melalui movie ini. it touches deep into my heart's deepest core ever so softly and at the end left me wondering of where my past has led me to. tapi yang paling bikin hati kecil aku sepi mentafsir adalah kenyataan yang disusun hebat oleh si penulis skrip, whoever he is. the movie reminds you of a simple lesson you've been taught since you're a toddler, but somehow lost and forgotten. it is that happy end is actually very close yet only few are bold enough to take a step forward and make it to that famous happy end. berapa ramai agaknya manusia sunyi hampa dan berduka lara pada jam ini, saat ini atas kekhilafan silam, aku tertanya. dan kiranya diberi peluang untuk pilih hanya satu, kamu fikir mereka akan pilih memaafkan, atau pun melupakan? apalah makna memaafkan andai mengingati itu ibarat terhenti detakan jantung, terhiris berkeping hati sayu. mungkin melupakan itu lebih baik, tiadanya terpalit sejarah harapan kosong yang menghantui. benarkah begitu? ponder this for five seconds before you continue reading this post.

ok that's more than five seconds. please stick to my rules ok since this is my blog. ahaha kidding. sorry, continue reading please..

there is a line in this movie i'd like to quote. it's one of the most memorable lines from thousands of movies i've seen. it stated that, it is only through the process of loss that you discover what you had to begin with.. hanya dengan merasai kehilangan itu, kau akan temui apa yang harus kau mulakan dahulunya. kalau diukur waras akalnya memang storyline movie ini cukup illogical. tidak ada lagi teknologi yang mampu erase human minds completely, or even bits of memories that you wish to forget. but hypothethically speaking, if it were possible, would you - as what the protagonists did in the movie - choose to erase the part of memories that harbour all the pain of losing someone? mahukah kamu untuk melupakan sepenuhnya akan rasa yang pernah hadir itu malah memadamkan ingatan tentang seseorang yang kamu pernah sayangi? jika teknologi ini benar wujud di masa akan datang, akankah kau salah satu dari beribu hati sepi yang memilih untuk melakukan procedure ini? ok tak payah angkat tangan, blog ini bukanlah satu conference. jawab dalam hati saja.

for me, my intention was never to forget. walau berkali aku tangisi dan rayu merintih dalam doa aku sehari-hari, tak pernah mahu aku lupa akan tiap ingatan aku pada seseorang. cukuplah dengan mohon kekuatan dari tuhan untuk aku hidup dengan ingatan itu meski sukar. yes, i want to live with the memories of love, as bitter as it is. kerana pahitnya lah cinta itu, aku akan lebih bermakna sebagai manusia. aku mampu bangun jadi anak kuat, aku belajar akan cinta itu juga pernah indah dan pasti ada sakitnya juga. jika cinta itu indah selama, takkan kau belajar apa darinya bukan? so hold close your memories, pegang erat tiap kenangan kau cipta kerana itulah yang mendewasakan kau sebenarnya. forgetfulnes is an asset, it helps you to erase all the painful memories and bitter heart. but by choosing to forget, you feet will be glued to one spot only. you can never take that one step forward to reach a new happy end, sedangkan pengakhiran yang bahagia itu menanti kamu hanya selangkah sahaja. maka ingatilah, tiap yang pernah sentuh hati kamu itu, kamu ingatlah mereka dan insyaAllah dengan terusainya masa kamu jua akan bisa maafkan masa silam itu dengan senyuman. learn to forgive, and you will learn to live and eventually love again. dengan izin tuhan, cinta itu akan hadir lagi walau kau perlu tunggu berdekad sekalipun, jangan hilangkan percaya itu. glory be to Allah. salam..

hari tua, jodoh, dan kasih tuhan.

assalamualaikum. hari ini mood tak seceria biasa. kesihatanku agak terganggu. ini pun baru sahaja menelan ubat tahan sakit dan juga plum ball. alhamdulillah, kira aku masih lagi mampu menghirup udara malam ini. sepanjang malam tadi ibu menjaga aku. lucu bukan? dengan umur yang sudah lebih dua dekad ini ibu masih layan aku sebagai anak kecil. kerana aku tak mampu untuk bangun mengambil ubat apatah lagi menjamah nasi, ibu membawa ubatku ke bilik. nah, bermacam ubat lagi yang diusungnya. jenuh juga aku menelannya. tapi, kerana dia ibu, aku tahu akan tiap gusar di garis wajahnya. sempat lagi dia berpesan sebelum ke kamarnya agar aku menjamah nasi di dapur. dan aku tahu di tengah malam nanti akan dia pasti ke dapur bagi melihat akan pesannya itu kuturuti. maka, kujamah jugalah nasi walau sedikit dengan selera yang tak seberapa. ibuku, dengan helaian rambut yang semakin putih, garisan halus di wajah tenang itu, aku temu satu kedamaian yang menghambat hati sedih aku. terima kasih ya Rab kerana hadirkan ibu itu untuk suluh tiap ruang gelap dalam hidup.

tapi bukan ibu sahaja yang bertambah usianya. ayah juga begitu. dengan ayah, kami adik beradik memang tak begitu rapat. ayah sangat tegas sifatnya, cukup berdisiplin mendidik kami mengenal Tuhan dan susah hidup. barangkali kerana hormat yang teramat itulah kami kadangkala jadi resah ingin berbicara dengannya. masih jelas di kotak kenangan masa kami masih kecil. ayah sendirilah yang mengajar kami mengaji. berlinang jugalah air mata kami saat ditegur keras. tapi tidak pernah pula kami mengadu pada ibu itu, mungkin kerana kami sendiri sedar kenakalan kami hanya mampu dilentur bentuk oleh tegasnya si ayah, dan bukan lembut gemalai si ibu. dan sehingga hari ini, kami setia menyelak helaian al-Quran itu saban hari. itulah didikan ayah. hari ini juga, hari tua ayah makin mengejar. kulihat perubahan itu seakan melihat turunnya jam pasir, cukup perlahan tapi merunsingkan. adakala ayah itu lupa sejenak tiap situasi di hadapnya. satu ketika, di tengah lebuh raya dengan kereta bersimpang siur, mahu sahaja dia keluar kala itu juga melihat akan belakang keretanya yang digeser motor. mujur ibu sempat menahannya dari keluar. kulihat ayah terpinga sebentar seakan baru sedar dari angan jauh entah kemana. ada juga ketika yang lain ayah mahu keluar dari parking lot pasaraya, telah dimasukkan kad parking itu, dan saat palang itu naik, dia memusing kereta menghala exit yang lain, katanya lebih senang mahu keluar. nah, sudah tersekat kami kerana palang yang tadi sudah jatuh kembali dan bagaimana pula hendak keluar di exit yang lagi satu sedang kadnya sudah tiada. mujur ada petugas di situ menjadi superhero kami. aneh bukan? ayah yang dahulunya serba kuat dan cermat juga bisa lupa. hari tua ibu ayah itu sedang hebat menghambat mereka, kami adik beradik cukup sedar dan waras akan hakikat yang satu itu. usia mereka keduanya telah menjangkau separuh abad. tapi tak pernah kami bincang nyatakan itu sesama kami. biarlah bahagia itu yang terlihat di mata dan gugup gentar itu tersemat kemas di hati-hati kami. setiap yang hidup akan kembali juga. itulah janji Tuhan, bukan? sungguhpun, kumohon agar dipanjangkan usia tua mereka dan dihindarkan dari kemudaratan agar kami sekeluarga mampu beriman bersama di jalan Allah itu.

lewat ini juga, selain dari soal ibu ayah, aku turut tumpang gembira akan kalangan sahabat yang sudah ramai mendirikan masjid yang indah peri. ada juga yang baru bina tangga masjid. bertunanglah tu maksudnya ahaha. alhamdulillah. jodoh mereka tiba dahulu sebelumku. adam mereka itu telah mereka temui buat teman sehidup semati, bersama di dunia dan kekal bercinta di syurga kelak. mudah-mudahan. tapi aku juga sedih pilu akan ada di kalangan mereka yang seakan hilang arah sejenak. berpacaran itu tidak salah bagi aku. perlunya kamu mengenali hati-hati adam dan hawa pilihanmu agar tidak kesal nanti. tapi salahmu pabila kau halalkan yang haram itu wahai sahabat. bagi kamu sang adam, peganglah tangan hawamu itu hanya setelah dia itu sah kau lafazkan sebagai hawamu yang satu. dan para hawa, kucup mesra dakap eratlah adam itu hanya kerana dia sah seorang suami yang pasti bimbing kamu dan keturunanmu untuk susuri jalan-jalan Allah. benar, kata kamu dia itu akan kamu nikahi juga. tapi sedarkah kamu sahabat tersayang akan tiap dosa yang terpalit itu tidak kan terhapus meski dia kau nikahi? tahukah kalian yang aku cinta ini bahawa kamu akan membawa bersama dosa itu ke gerbang perkahwinanmu kelak? iya dosa-dosa silam itu akan kau seret bersama-sama dan seterusnya keberkatan hidup bersama itulah yang menjadi sukar untuk kau kecapi. kecualilah jika kamu berpatah ke pangkalnya dan sujud insafi kekhilafan dahulu. ar-Rahman serta ar-Rahim itukan antara sifatnya Allah. maka kau kembalilah pada setiap ajaranNya. insyaAllah akan indah kembali dunia kamu.

tapi bagaimana pula kiranya cinta kamu itu tak mendapat restu izin orang tuamu? sakit tercalar seperti rasanya hati-hati itu. tapi kawan, janganlah pernah sekali kau campak orang tuamu jauh dari sisi hidupmu. cubalah kau yakinkan mereka, bantulah mereka akan melihatkan bahawa pilihanmu itu yang terbaik untukmu. mohonlah dilembut hati-hati keras ayah ibu agar mereka bisa tersenyum untuk masa depan kamu. dan andai pula hati itu tetap kering, maka kumohon jangan pernah kau belakangi mereka. kerana andai kau tetap memilih pilihanmu tanpa restu itu, sekali lagi keberkatan itu yang kurang untuk sinar hari tuamu kelak. mungkin akan kamu suarakan akan kedegilan anak-anakmu kelak, walau berpuas sudah kau lentur. akan terfikirkah kamu agaknya ia akibat keberkatan yang pernah kau gadaikan di hadap orang tuamu. maka, sebelum kau sesali di hari tuamu, kau ikutlah kata mereka. kau lepaslah apa yang perlu. aku rasa kamu juga cukup tahu bahawa cinta itu tidak pernah memiliki sifatnya. tapi aku sendiri adakala hairan akan pilihan anak muda sekarang. tidak mengikut unjuran agama seakannya. maka aku tidak tahu mengapa yang terdedah itu pilihan mereka. mengapa mereka yang kau pilih sedangkan yang tersembunyi itu bukankah lebih istimewa sepatutnya? tapi aku juga tahu apa itu cinta. perasaan itu pernah melewati sunyi hidupku. malah hingga saat ini, tak bisa lagi kukikis rasa itu untuk si dia yang barangkali bukan jodohku. aku juga pernah menagih restu ayah ibu untuk si dia. dan aku juga telah nekad lepaskan dia itu kerana dalamnya luka yang terpalit di hati semua akan tiadanya restu itu. tapi dengan rasa itulah, aku tahu bahawa kita tidak mampu memilih siapa yang kita cintai. rasa itu akan hadir dengan sendiri, cukup perlahan dan tenang sehingga kau sendiri menyedari akan hadirnya cinta itu hanya setelah ia subur terbenam. tapi tahukah kau bahawa kita sangat mampu memilih siapa yang akan kita nikahi. maka walau kau tidak punya kuasa untuk tentu siapa yang kau cintai, kau cukup punya hak bagi tentu siapa yang kau nikahi kelak. seandainya menikahi yang kau cintai itu akan pasti undang pilu di hati ramai, maka lepaslah dia seadanya. pilihlah yang bisa pimpin tangan kamu berjalan beriringan ke syurga. kamu punya pilihan wahai adam dan hawa. maka pilihlah. kuharap tiap dari kita akan temu jodoh yang telah Allah tetap untuk kita sebelum kita bernafas lagi. dan bagi yang masih belum bertemu pilihan hati (akulah itu haha..), marilah bersama menadah tangan meminta dari Allah agar ditemukan kelak. dan ingatlah seperti nyanyian melly goeslow (aku suka bangat ini..), biar kamu sepi, kamu hampa, dan kamu basi. asal tuhan sayang kamu. jodoh itu rahsia Allah yang sangat besar. kamu takkan bisa fahami dan ketahui hinggalah Dia memilih untuk menghantar si dia itu kepadamu. andai kamu kasihkan tuhanmu lebih dari segalanya, maka jodoh itu, hari tua itu akan kau susuri seakan tenangnya air sungai nil. hanya kepadaNya kita datang dan kepadaNya jugalah akan kita pasti kembali. salam sayang dari aku buat saudara seagama sekalian.

25 things you'll never know.

1. your handwriting is quite unreadable. i never really understand your love notes.
2. i actually like the way you smell, even when i told you i didn't.
3. when you asked me to marry you someday, i said i haven't thought about it yet. i lied. i already had the kids' names in my head.
4. your jokes are sick, but they match mine. so i like them. like a lot.
5. i always, always noticed when you stared at me, i just pretended not to.
6. when you got up on that stage and make your so-called love confession, with a microphone, i felt like killing you. except i couldn't because i was too busy acting angry.
7. i waited for your phone calls every night. and had to hold my breath when it really rings. and had to make this really boring voice like my heart wasn't on marathon. but it was.
8. i never asked you yet why you love me.
9. i always hold myself back from loving you all the way because i figured that if things didn't work out between us, i won't lose myself completely.
10. even if we lived to be so old that we couldn't even remember if we have had our baths yet, i want you to still remember that you love me. you don't even have to remember why, just remember that you do.
11. when you borrowed my plate without permission during camping, my pens till they ran out of ink, my eraser till it worn down, my homework because you didn't do yours, my schedule because you lost yours, i wasn't actually mad. i was happy that you chose mine above others.
12. i never told you yet i love you.
13. when i made you chased me for over a year, i wasn't playing games. i was hoping you would give up and save me from having to start my life all over again in case you left afterward.
14. that guy i told you whom i used to date, well he didn't exist.
15. that guy whom my best friend told you had a crush on me, he didn't exist either.
16. i actually love you first, way way, before you love me.
17. i like you better when you wore glasses. makes you look more of an intellectual and less a scumbag. but i love you nevertheless, with or without them.
18. once when you said you had a nice holiday, i knew you were lying. because you called practically every one to ask of my whereabouts and why the hell didn't i tell you where i was headed for the holiday that they got so sick they swore at you and blurted everything out to me.
19. i knew you love me even before you told me. i just needed to hear it from you.
20. i always feared your best friend, who was dating my best friend and still is. because he kept secretly warned me not to treat you lightly and judge you based on your reputation, because he said he knew you well enough to know how serious you are about me.
21. i always have this fear that one day you are going to discover that i am not as special as you thought i was.
22. i am someone else when i'm with you, someone more like myself.
23. every time you talked about your favourite food, i changed the subject so you won't find out that i'm the worst cook ever.
24. i want to always remember us.
25. above all, i want to move on so i won't have to write stuffs like this anymore because it's tiring.

closer still.

i believe,

that it is necessary for two people, whose hearts are intertwined with one another that it is almost impossible to break them apart, to keep their distance close to one another. the moment you decide to have some time alone, you will get lost. because along the solitude way that you have taken, you eventually forget the reasons why you gave a part of you to that someone. and the more you search for the answer, racking your brain for that distant memory, the more faltered your steps will be. then you decide that it must not be that important to you, because if it is, then for sure you will remember. so you gave up altogether. what you did not know is that no matter how long you search, no matter how far you look, you will never get the answer, because there is no answer. that is what you forgot; that there used to be no reason why you gave that someone a part of you. not because of the way he smells after shave, not the crinkle in his eyes when he squints them, not the last cookie he ate, not the way he scrunches his face in pain when you hit him hard, not the things he borrowed but never returned. none of them. it was just something that you felt like doing, that giving someone a part of you makes you complete. and absence wipes that memory away, like a clean slate. a blank canvas that needs to be coloured once again.

apa yang tinggal.

tahukah kau apa itu cinta?

cinta itu ialah cairan lilin yang tinggal setelah apinya padam malap. cinta itu ialah kehangatan yang terasa biar nipis lusuh selimut litup. ia adalah pohon rendang yang kekal tegak setelah bunga daun lebat indah gugur luruh. cinta ialah pabila ribut gelap ansur hilang tetap kau rindukan dingin hujan. cinta tak ingin sempurna, tak perlu indah selalu. cinta hanya mahu difahami, tak diadili, beri apa adanya. cinta itu yang tiba saat kita halaunya jauh, dan lenyap bila kita gapai selaut harapan. ia agung dari ombak tsunami, bisa pecahkan hati-hati yang paling keras, merubah menjadi air laut tenang yang setia mengalir ke sungai. cinta itu yang ajar derita itu amat perlu untuk bahgia, amat sukar dikikis meski berkali berpaling pergi. cinta itu jua letusan api yang lavanya pekat panas, mengeras menguat tiap tanah yang pernah lembut. cinta ialah akar berselingkar jauh di dalam tanah, yang walau pohonnya ditebang patah, ia tak bisa dipisah asingkan kerana serasi dan telah terlanjur membesar tumbuh bersama. cinta ialah bayang-bayang yang terbentuk pabila terik mentari membelakangi, angin yang meraut halus selepas hujan, darah yang beku melitup luka lama. ia adalah tiap hati yang pecah tapi harusnya ia kekal berdegup. cinta tak pernah memiliki, tapi rasa manis pahit tak bisa hilang walau dibilas dibasuh seumur hidup. cinta ialah pabila semua indah hilang lenyap, tika semua tawa girang terbisu menatap, saat jiwa yang pernah menyatu bertukar kosong, tapi tetap ada sesuatu yang tinggal yang masih mahu kau pegang erat. sesuatu yang tinggal itulah cinta.

tahukah kau apa itu cinta?

the price of being immune.

yes, life is messy, like scattered pieces of jigsaw puzzle lying around on top of one another, all looking a lot similar to one another but actually fit in one spot, and one spot only. the only way you can solve the puzzle is by not losing any pieces of that puzzle. some were born with this immaculate ability to solve puzzles within a short period of time. others with not so much intellectuality going on in their heads would need more than a couple of hours. nevertheless they would solve the puzzle, eventually. it might take months or at the very most years, but with every piece in your possession, solving it is not a myth. on the other hand, if you lost only one, just one piece from the hundreds of pieces that you have, it would never be complete. like ever. there would always be that empty spot on the jigsaw board, an empty corner left bare, unattended, gone. so you see the importance of keeping all the pieces with you at all time, at all cost. never risk losing it over some dumb doorbell or favourite tv shows, because while you're busy attending other business, you lost whatever it is that you chose to keep on hold.

life's like that exactly.

have you ever gathered up your broken courage, mustered up all your remaining strength, just to give the privilege to a certain someone to have a piece of you each time you let him sees the real you, and soon you found yourself giving them more pieces each time without even knowing it? at the end of the day, you were left with this one small part of you that you don't even recognize anymore because it's too insignificant and distant from whom you used to be. but does it bother you to lose that many pieces of you to someone? no you don't. because love makes you immune to all the pain to the point that you just simply don't care anymore. which is fine because we humans are wired that way, to withstand the pain of being in love, just so we could continue our own bloodline, no matter how painful and heart-wrenching it is. but what happens if all that crashed? collapsed and become beyond repair? you already gave away almost all pieces, so you have to start over with what little pieces that you have left. that's when you realized that it's going to hurt bad before it gets better. thinking every sick love song is written for you, even when you know they're not. that every one of his facebook status got you wondered whether they were meant for you, or someone else who's taken over your place. that what if he has found someone who can make him forget you or that is it even possible for him to meet someone who knows him like you do. and that's why people shouldn't fall in love. you'll crack under the illusion that happily ever after exists, that prince charming will sweep you off your feet, all those craps they made you believe when you were young - screwed them.

and yet, knowing this, we fell in love. still we did again and again with the same person, hurting ourselves deeper each time. why? because we're humans. and when they say that people grow up, they were lying straight to your face. we humans never grow up or grow old. the farthest we go is to live in denial. but the sweet vulnerable child remains, hidden inside from plain view. afraid of being seen, scared of being rejected. like a child hopes for santa clause, tooth fairy, and magic wand, we grown ups hope for the most impossible like love. that somehow we would make it all safe and secure. we continue hoping, that's what we did. and because we couldn't give up hoping, we fell in love. but above all, at one point of your life, you would wonder of what if. what if you didn't succumb to that little voice inside your heart? what if instead of opening up, you chose to turn around and walk away from that someone, holding all pieces of you intact, not giving away one bit of them? what if you chose to never finding out what love is and how it feels like to be in it? would it make you less broken than you are now? less incomplete with the absence of that someone? or is it better to live with the memories of love rather than not knowing what love is at all? these are all big ifs, in which the answers are subjected to individuals. what you define as meaningful determines how you answered these questions.

as for me, i knew that pain is something that no matter how much you deny, how hard you scrub it away, it won't leave. it stays like this dry cough that clogged your throat and no amount of cough syrup swallowed could cure you. all you can do is wait. because pain is something that will go away on its own. it will subside gradually and in a very long time for most people. like post surgery recovery. some had it easy, they recover almost immediately, all up and running like the surgery never happens. for some, the pain, struggle and trauma remain for many many years, that eventually they become accustomed to that pain that they forgot they had it. so they wait.

i am waiting as well, by the way.