what i've learned from what you've taught.

salam. cewah bulan pose baru nk bagi salam dlm blognyer entry. heeee~

today is the fourth day of celebrating ramadhan at home. and it'll be the last as well. tsk tsk. right off 1630 hour tomorrow i'll be off to shah alam to continue where i left off which by the way means eating not-so-mummy's cooking for breaking fast, swallowing nasi bujang for sahur (nasi + telur dadar) and air kosong. yeah i know. i should stop complaining considering those from the third world who barely had any scrap of food to break their fast. but still...when you think about it for the umpteenth time...there's definitely NO place like my home. or your home for your case. fine. i mean home. period. just saying it out loud sent warmth all the way to your bone, right?

i'm gonna miss home and dad and mum and angah and along. and gemok, kenzo and rei (my three musketeer cats) so much. baby zaara (my first ever niece) can stand on her own two tiny feet now. WOW! DOUBLE WOW! it seems like only yesterday she screamed and grunted for me to carry her. now she won't even let me touch her as she is so buzy walking around with the help from her "furniture friends" (she can't walk on her own without holding on to the sofas and cupboards and all other things within her grasp...heee). god, i don't wanna go back...humphf.

on the other hand, from my careful consideration, going back can only have one advantage. i get to see my dear students for the last time. tsk tsk tsk. tetiba sedey lak. issh tetiba ker? bukan dari last week lg dah nanges2 effa? bwa-ha-ha. takpe my students tak lembek cam cekgu dia. ari tu dah nanges x kan dorang nanges lagi kan, kan, kan? the problem is takut cekgu dia ni yg terlebih berperasaan and cry for the second time. huh. no effa. you can't give them the satisfaction of seeing you cry (again!) because then they're going to realize how important they are to you and start to tease you for the rest of your life now that they have your phone number (tetiba terbayang akashah dan sheikh dan lawak2 bodoh mereka di saat aku sudah beruban di mana mereka masih berperangai annoying itu...tidak!!!) but in a way that is true. they have no idea how special they can be to some people and i can't even tell them that they are special. you might be wondering why the hell can't i tell them right? it's not even national security issue that i must keep it top secret. you might never understand this. even if i tell you, you might still unable to put two and two together and just think i'm nuts. the truth is i can't tell them that they are special and wonderful people because i'm afraid that when they realize how special they can be they might start to forget me and find other teachers who'll make them feel as special as i make them feel. selfish of me right? i often tell my friends that i am, even when they don't believe me. now do you believe me?

knowing my students, whom i know will never read this, in a way they taught me more than i taught them. i taught them what's in the textbook, in the syllabus, what will come out in their exams etc. but they...they taught me things that i can never find in the book. things that they'll never realize how big that it changes my life. 180 degrees and all.

they taught me how to skip my lunch to teach them on articles and not feel mad about it.
they taught me how to punish them by singing a song and not feel bad about it.
they taught me how to pat their heads when they got hurt.
they taught me how to hate going to camp and then loving it so much only because they were there.
they taught me how to support them when they have family crisis.
they taught me how to be stern without making them hate me.
they taught me how to follow my heart and believe them when others accused them of a crime they didn't commit.
they taught me how to spend my money buying 30 exercise books and photocopying hundreds of handouts and not feel short on money.
they taught me how to love myself more and more everyday with all their gifts and praises and humours.
they taught me how to never give up and teach them until it stuck in their heads.
they taught me that learning is something that cannot be forced and that i can only plant the seed and hope that it'll grow.
thye taught me how to fret and complaint about them all day long and still love their company.
they taught me how to become a teacher.

and for all these i'm glad to be back in shah alam tomorrow.

i just hope my sister won't be calling me a few minutes before breaking fast and read out the list of food on the dining table at home just to piss me off...

and this entry is dedicated to my students with early farewell bidding.
nanti sok2 wat farewell entry lain pulak...heheh.
farewell entry part one.
the end.

walking away is tough. and beautiful all at the same time.

bend the time. please.

a few days ago i stumbled across a thankful list of a friend.
it makes me realize how many things there are exactly that i've taken for granted all this time.
so i've decided to write mine as a reminder of who i was and am and to be thankful for both.

i'm thankful for...

::. being born and raised as a MUSLIM.
::. having parents who strut and fret about me rather than neglect me.
::. having sisters whom i fought with one second and shopped together for clothes the next.
::. having brothers who teased me for silly things i did years and years ago.
::. having a mom who is a first-born so that my siblings would be the oldest in my mother's side so that we have every veto in making decision among every cousin ever existed ;p
::. having a dad who has nine siblings so that every gathering makes me wonder which baby belongs to which mother as the number of babies produced by each mother seems to be almost always increasing. LOL!
::. having a mom who is addicted to any ghost movies that she turns into a scaredy-cat who's afraid to sleep alone in a hotel room and made her children accompany her every time she went outstation for work which means a free holiday for us. (",) v
::. having a dad who teaches his children to recite the Quran and pray for Allah's blessing.
::. having an over-protective woman as a mom who calls her daughter every day just to make sure she won't die doing her practicum alone and far from home.. ToT
::. having parents whose hometowns are near to one another which made them never to have an argument over whose hometowns it would be for Raya celebration as we ended up going to both.
::. having a sister-in-law who's a bad cook that she made my ever-so-stingy brother went out and buy lots and lots of pizzas whenever i visit their home. yummy!
::. having a first-ever niece who weighs 7kg when she is only 6 months old and refuses to be put down to sleep.
::. running away from kindergarten when i was six and ended up being the stupidest kid in class upon entering Standard One :(
::. being bullied for half a year in Standard One for making all my classmates went late for recess every day for i was the only one who failed to finish the exercises given on time and they had to wait for me to finish them up since the teachers wanted us to go for recess together to promote unity. as if. ToT
::. finding DANI, the smartest kid in class who said "takpe..." when the other bulliers said "mak aku cakap kalau kiter tolong orang bodoh nanti kiter pon jadi bodoh jugak..." that this smartest kid actually become my friend all through primary, secondary, and still going strong. no wonder she's smart aite?
::. staying up late studying in Standard One to unwind the situation above that i ended up being Number One in exams throughout the year. and the years after that. YESSS!
::. skipping Standard Four and entering Standard Five straight away that i got bullied once again from a senior named NIK MUHAMAD HAFIZ BIN NIK ABDUL RAHMAN from the same class whom i secretly called "chickenik" as only chickens bully those who are weaker who claimed that since i am so clever i should be able to do his homework as well. @!##$%&~!
::. given the chance to learn from the best teachers namely Cikgu Azhar, Cikgu Rosdi, Cikgu Norsilawati, Cikgu Rozaidah, Teacher Syafiqah etc. that i got 5As in UPSR.
::. rejecting an offer to study in a boarding school and entering the worst secondary school in the district which happens to be a school where my dad is the principal.
::. bitching about some innocent teachers and still got 8As in PMR. Alhamdulillah~
::. meeting friends like EZY, ELLA, MA and EMAH who taught me to appreciate small and silly things like blaming my physics teacher who sleeps during class and punish us for failing, to cry my eyes out for a guy worth dumping, to skip classes and hang out in the teacher's room and pretending that we were doing chores for some teachers. ish, ish, ish...
::. not scoring straight As in my SPM. serves me right huhu~
::. entering Malacca Matriculation College for a month and making friends with crazy EKIN, KHAIRA, ADD, TEE, KAY and super hot classmates like BEN and BURN.
::. being lied by my sly mom who chose TESL as my first and second choice in IPTA application saying that the sequence doesn't matter because they will look at my main interest which is actually journalism.
::. enrolling in TESL programme which actually is super cool and i get to meet ANO, DIBA, SYA, NADY, TNEE, and SYU who taught me all their dialects.
::. having friends like AIN and WAWA who travel a lot and bought me stuffs and introducing me to RYO-CHAN. lalalalala~
::. taking Mandarin as my third language and to be able to understand every time my dear students bad-mouthed me using their language. muahahaha!
::. getting DL every semester except last semester in which i cried buckets. bwa-ha-ha.
::. having Dr. Izaham as my supervisor for practicum which makes everything A-okay ;)
::. having Mr. Selva as my mentor who constantly protects me from the monsters at school by ensuring that i won't get any relief for 2D class (^_^)//
::. unable to stand spicy food so i am less likely to get stomach ache.
::. being the victim of bad press among my housemates who make me out to be vindictive, spiteful and in extreme cases actually a psycho. which secretly i think is ironically true.
::. being sent to become a trainee teacher in SMK Sri Istana, the worst school in Klang as they say.
::. meeting students like...
++ ACAP who tries to fix me up with his 'silat' teacher
++ KAMARUL who worships every ground i walk by
++ IQMAL who staples every one of his books so i won't have to see all the bad comments from his previous teacher
++ SHEIKH who made me chase him around the class
++ LUTHFI and AFIQ who camwhore themselves using my phone camera when i wasn't looking
++ AKASHAH who teases me for my running misfit at camp
++ HAIRIAN and HALEEM who stop and chat with me every time our paths crossed
++ SYAZA and YA who hang out with me every day during recess in the teacher's room
++ MEARY who first tells me that she loves me
++ MUSA who scolds every student who talk rudely to me and demands their apologies and won't stop until they do
++ CHEE HONG who sleeps in my class
++ CHUN LOONG who carries my books to class when all teachers complaint that he never even bring any of his books to school
::. and many more who constantly test my patience and remind me of my strengths and weaknesses.
::. having a best friend who held my hand while walking to his kindergarten, gave me my first rose when i was six, bought me keropok at the canteen every day using his money for i was such a social misfit as a kid that i can't even buy my own food without making a fool of myself. thanks EPUL for those hard times you stood by ;)
::. bruising easily and recovering almost as easy.
::. being a Malaysian with its multi racial community.
::. being a human being with minds to think and to decide the life i want to live.
::. always being a year younger than my classmates.
::. being alive until this very moment.

when i was five i used to close my eyes tightly to sleep and wish that i would grow older faster so that i won't have to follow what everyone tells me to do.

now when i close my eyes and i open them back again, i wish it was exactly the same time i was 16 years ago when i was just a kid with absolute innocence lying in bed...

i'll be missing this.

i miss home so much...right now i'm fighting a terrible cough and flu. the thing is before i went to see the doc, i only had cough but now after i've taken the medication i've started to have flu! i'm starting to think that the doc has flu so maybe i got the flu from him. muahahaha...

i only had this cough ever since i got back from the camping site last week at kuala kubu baru. talking about the camping, it was MOVING! surprisingly MOVING! at first i was dreading the camp, thinking how tiring it must be. but guess what? as tiring as it was, i actually really enjoyed myself. especially because of my students from 1C; afiq, acap, iqmal, wan, sheikh (as annoying as he is!) and luthfi. all of us had a BLAST!

the first day all of the students had to go for a nightwalking activity whereby they had to enter the forest and walked in pairs for like 500m in the dark. it was so cool! i've done nightwalking before but that was during high school. this time i got to do nightwalking as a teacher instead. weeee~ and the best part about being a teacher is that you get to break all the rules and no one can really say anything! muahahaha! so that's what i ended up doing...instead of walking in pairs, there were four of us walking together; kak zana, me, kak siti, and niza. the teachers' team! everything was fine at first and we were walking ever so slowly in the dark; me and kak zana at the front (since we were the ones bringing our handphones when really the rule says we should walk in the dark!) and kak siti and niza trailing behind us. then it happened. we heard footsteps. animal footsteps. like a lion's footsteps or something. but because it was dark we cant really see anything. my first instinct was to run but because i've done this before so i remembered that it was the crews doing that to scare us. but before i can say anything, suddenly kak siti and niza were way ahead of us running! both kak zana and i then ran as well while screaming "kenapa?? kenapa??" it was hilarious! then we found out that it really was the crews scaring us and making the sound. told ya! but it was embarrassing since my 1C's students were there laughing at me! i repeatedly told them that it wasnt me who started the run but they wont believe me..huh!

when we've reached the checkpoint, we had to wait for other students to arrive since they were walking in pairs so it took an EXTREMELY long time for all of them to arrive. a lot of the girls were crying though. you can hear their sobs even from afar. one of them was ain from 1D. poor ain! all the boys were laughing at her. it took about 4 hours until all the students arrived. and it was during this time of waiting that i really enjoyed myself. mostly because i was sitting right next to 1C and 2C students. we chatted the whole night. they made a promise not to tell anyone at school about my running misfit. but still they wont leave the subject! phew~ the funniest was when luthfi and hairian started to fall asleep next to me. hairian had his leg on top of my knees and i tried to shift my position but i got stuck between him and the tree. so i just let him sleep and i cant feel my leg afterward for sitting in the same position the whole night. thanks a lot hairian! haissh...we made our way out of the forest at approximately 4.00 am. i went back to the chalet, took a bath, solat and zzzz...

second day of camp. the morning started off with "jejak kelawar". at first, i thought that they were supposed to hunt for bats or something. haha silly me! what they had to do was actually blindfolded themselves and they had to follow the trail by using the rope. all with their eyes closed. it was like i put it; PAYBACK time! as they cant see anything or anyone during this time, i took the chance to get back at them for last night. muahahaha! i gave them the wrong directions and even make them tripped a few time. again being a teacher is a bliss! after that they had jungle trekking but i cant join it because i was preparing for the malam kebudayaan that night. yup like there's no other person to become the MC but ME! i've to write the script and prepare the hall for the big night.

malam kebudayaan. i was the mentor for group 2. my group's name is BOOM BOOM POW! muahahaha! one member in the group that i wont forget for a long long time would be akashah from 1D. he is definitely one LAZY, SHORT, ANNOYING but CUTE boy. he said he cant act, he cant sing, he cant and wont do anything for the night. so i make him play the guitar instead because his friends told me that he had this thing about guitar. sadly, my group didnt win that night. well, they did their best though. even the lazy akashah did well with the group's cheer and all.

last day. i was the photographer for the simulation activity. but being a camwhore that i am, i forgot that the camera was actually nuar's not mine. i ended up taking a lot of my pics instead of the students. yikes! when i realized whose camera it was, i sprinted back to the chalet and transferred all the pics before nuar found out that i misused his camera. heheh! close call. then we visited the animals; mr porcupine and mr tapir. now i knew why the jokes in majalah ujang kept saying "huduh cam tapir!" nevertheless please pity all the mr tapirs. they have pride too you know. if only they can sue, they would i tell you. for degrading their physical appearance or public humiliation or something.

then the closing ceremony. all of us the facis (as we called ourselves since we were treated more like the facis instead of teachers) were given a t-shirt each. yeay! the good part; they were new. the bad part; they were the same as the students'. what i hate about school t-shirts are that it made me look no less different than the students. even during these three days of camping, all teachers kept thinking that i was a student and scolding me for entering the teachers' territory. uwaaaaa~ after the ceremony however i took a lot of pics with my students in BOOM BOOM POW! my group won for best male participant (toon jong), best female participant (fatin), most sporting participant (can you believe akashah won this???) and the best group for ice-breaking session. yeay! good work you guys! my cheeks might as well got cramped for smiling so much. i also camwhoring with my 1C's and 1F's students. i love you guys so much! seriously! but only because it was outside classroom. you guys were A-okay outside classroom do you know that?? if only you were half as excited as this during lesson time. ini tidak asyik nk kne main kejar2 lam kelas suh blaja! sampai ke kelas sebelah lak tu korang lari! ;p

all in all, this would be one moment of my life that i keep close for when the time comes for me to leave them, i would gladly look back and be thankful that i had a few good times with them as well. i cant believe i'm saying this but i'm gonna miss you...

p.s one month to go till post-prac. time sure moves fast.

a normal third observation. finally!

finally, finally, finally, finally! dr izaham get to observe a normal classroom. on the way to my class, he joked saying that hopefully there'll be no fight and no fire this time around. hehehe...

today i'm teaching them writing. dr izaham said that there is nothing wrong with my lesson and that with experience, i would become a great teacher. bet he would freak out if he found out that i just wrote that lesson plan at the staffroom two hours before the observation. muahahahaha! he only sms me telling about the observation a few minutes before going to school. am i supposed to write the lesson plan in the car? no cant do my handwriting would have been so bad if i wrote in the car rite? yeah so that's why i ended up writing the lesson plan and photocopying all the handouts at school instead. perhaps i work best under pressure...(info ringkas: ni la ayat yg slalu dgunakan oleh procrastinator sedunia utk menghilangkan rasa bersalah mereka..;p)

at the end dr izaham said well done and that he was planning to observe me one more time but since i'm doing well this third time so there's no need for him to observe me anymore. weeeee~ i also think that there's no need for another visit and to begin with i never thought that there should be any visit at all. heheh. great minds think alike.

p.s i just remembered that i havent paid the tuition fees yet. yikes! and guess who reminds me? dr izaham himself. said he saw my name on the list of those who havent paid. hikhikhik... talk about humiliation.

second observation.. ;p

today's the day of my second observation by dr izaham. like he promised, he would only enter 1 C from now on. no more 1 F. yippie! this means that he'll only come to observe me every tuesday since he already made it clear that 1 F is off-limits as well as last period. and guess what? my class with 1 C is always on the last period except for tuesday. so every tuesday it is!

unlike my first observation with 1 F, this time around i dont have to rush over to the class and take over the job of the makcik cleaner. with 1 C, i just informed them that my lecturer will come and that they have to clean the class and most importantly, BEHAVE! and behave they did! muahahaha! love you guys so much. it is kinda funny though watching all those noisy rascals sitting straight in their chairs like statues. gosh their backs must hurt like crazy! for once they kept quiet and listened. once in a while though, one of them would bid me to his or her desk and asked me to speak in malay instead. sorry guys, no cant do. for once you have to bear with me or else i'll fail in my practicum, which is a big no-no. one semester of slaving yourself without getting paid is hard enough. i dont need to go through the same thing all over again.

we did comparative and superlative during the lesson and we played some games afterward. they had to pass around this box while i played the music and they were really enjoying themselves, laughing and smiling and just when i thought that everything is going so well, suddenly...FIRE! the class was caught on fire! all because of some kind of short circuit and get this; of all the days and of all the classes, my class was the chosen one. talk about irony. the light just above dr izaham was on fire and there was smoke everywhere. all the students started screaming and running out of the class including dr izaham. hahahaha! it sure was a sight i wont soon forget. they were screaming their lungs out "Api..api...lari.." it was hilarious.. ;p

the funniest was when dr izaham said to me while waiting for the fire to be put off. he said that why is it that every time he came to observe me, something would always happen. first the fight and now fire. it sure was a miracle that i survive in this school with such disasters lurking in every corner. i gotta give him credit for that joke. thank god my supervisor is one simple and laid-back guy. weeeee....!

yup that's all there is for my second observation. dr izaham said that my lesson was A-okay and that he'll come again some other time and hopefully by then nothing will happen. i wished him good luck though since he'll be observing niza in 2 D afterward. i told him that 2 D is even worse than my 1 F. he got scared as hell and refused to believe me saying how is that possible considering that surely D must be better than F. well again that's the irony. form two students are placed according to their stream. fortunately from what i've heard after the observation was that 2 D actually behaved themselves. thank god or else dr izaham might get a heart attack just coming to our school.

hope against hope that third observation will be normal. ;p

why do humans forget?

why do humans forget?
tomorrow's homework
a promise with a friend
dinner you ate two nights ago
the lyrics to the song you supposedly love
the theories you memorized many times
the lesson plan you wrote many times
the name of the person you met just recently
the deadline of an assignment
the wide knowledge you learned from someone
fun memories
painful memories
memories of regret
embarrassing moments
sad memories
memories of crying so much your eyes got swollen
memories of nearly laughing yourself to death
memories of liking someone
memories of being loved by someone
memories of loving someone
memories of someone's death
is the part that controls my memory not working properly?
or is it just me?
growing older and considering every big insignificant thing as everything?
and throwing away every simple little thing as if they were nothing...
i start thinking things like, when we unexpectedly remember a memory of someone's death, is it because that person wants us to remember?
recently my cat's kittens were born, my sister-in-law got pregnant,and other lives were born...
one by one my memories are increasing
but i have to wonder
if these too will pass...
it's to God we'll always return.
amen.