an ode to you.

last day of practicum.

finally. my suffering ends.

that's how i thought my entry would be written if you asked me three months ago. guess i was wrong. the thing about writing your future is that it is changeable. just because you wrote it down doesn't mean that it'll definitely happen. the word is MAYBE. not DEFINITELY.

and the future i planned to write MAYBE has changed.

and MAYBE i should stop writing my future from now on. because they tend to change a lot. and i hate having to rewrite everything all over again knowing that i am wrong. i hate making mistakes. who doesn't? the thing is i've been making them quite a lot lately. so here's one thing i hope would not turn into a mistake;

...rewriting this entry. so here goes...

last day of practicum.

i managed to snag a period before recess from Mdm Bavanee saying i wanted to see them for the last time. them here refers to 1C students; the only class i taught that i haven't said goodbye yet. hell they don't even know this is my last day. i never told them. and they never ask. so that's how the days passed without any of us really know what awaits us on this very day.

they were late (as usual...) from ICT Lab. and for the first time ever i was glad they were late. it gave me some time to pull myself together. you must be wondering why is it that this class would be harder from any other classes i've said goodbye so far? the difference is that they are 1C; the first class i entered three months ago as a trainee teacher. who would have guessed it would be the last class as well? in a way, i am most close to them.

a moment alone can actually teach you more than a moment full of people. and there i was. standing at the front of an empty classroom. one by one they came back - memories of making them sign the ground rules on the first day, memories of their worthy-academy-award performance during dr izaham's observation, memories of storming out of class early for their misbehaviour, memories of laughing so hard during choral speaking training that we hurt our sides...we've learned about each other all in this very small four-sided sanctuary. the sanctuary that i won't be entering anymore from now on. and it won't be our sanctuary anymore. just yours. not ours.

and so on that very last day i left them with memories to hold on to and promises well kept. on that last day i did all the things i promised them i would. i taught chee shean and jun ming how to solve the rubik cube. just like i promised them i would. i won't leave them with unkept promises. i gave them the notes for next week's exam and finally i gave them a token of our bond; a reminder of what we've shared that no one else knew. they spent the rest of the day with me in the staffroom. they requested from the other teachers entering their class to let them hang out with me to take pictures. they cried. and i cried.

and that's how my practicum ends.

in tears of regret and joy. regret for not being able to do my best when i know i can do better. joy for knowing that yes they do love and appreciate me.

they might never know this. but the worst fear i felt the first time entering their class was not the fear of not being able to teach them properly. it was the fear of not being loved. yeah that's how self-centered and self-conceited i am. i am not a good person. i never considered myself to be one. now it shows right?

dear god, please don't let them forget me.
please don't let them.
please.

because i know i won't...

funny how they kept saying how much they love me. even funnier how they never knew...that i loved them first.