no strings attached. maybe.

god tied you and i together by our little fingers with a long red string. this bond of destiny cannot be seen. and there is no map to you. and it's a miracle how we found each other.

it is said that after a person is born, they will meet approximately 30,000 people before they die. of those, the number of people you'll meet and work with at school is 3,000. and of those, you'll intimately know 300. among all those encounters, it' s said that god has arranged a special one for you. one made from before you were born. however, that bond of fate is invisible to everyone. and yet that unseen person is your destiny. is connected to you by a red string on your pinky.

and that's how we fell in love.

over the years i was so busy looking at you that i couldn't see how broken my heart is. how lose the red string has came to be. and yet knowing that it was neither our fault. it was an accident. not the kinds where sirens sound though. it hits us silently yet painfully. so i was wondering...

how do you forget someone whom you've found miraculously without a map?
what if you never find someone else the same way again?
what if it was a mistake and he never have the red string in the first place?
what if he really was the one?
what if i...
what if he...
what if we...
oh, damn.

nerd attack.

being a nerd is no fun. period. you will get teased a lot. you will be the last person picked out in a group work. you won't even get to have guys gave you a once-over. you might never went out on a date for the rest of your lives and end up marrying the guy your parents found for you who happens to be the boy you secretly hate during your childhood. and yeah even though bill gates had committed the ultimate revenge by being one of the most richest and successful man on earth, it didn't change the fact that humans are still governed and always will be governed by outward appearance. beauty is a must. heart is a bonus. welcome to the real world.

reading this, you might be thinking that yes i am one of those girls who were born as if by a slip of fate to be less prettier than the normal girls out there. teeeet~ as much as you want that to be true, it wasn't. muahahaha...i don't think as myself as the nerdy types with horn-rimmed glasses and braided hair with baggy sweaters and sneakers. and i am not the princessy-types either with heavy makeup and branded clothes hugging my Tyra Bank's figure. not that that wouldn't be a dream for me, it's just that it would be a nightmare for my housemates who predicted incessantly that my head would be up in space if i were to be all glam and popular. jealousy vibe detected, don't you think? ohoho lucky enough my housemates don't have any blogs except for ano whom i doubt will read this long entry and risk her ever-precious minutes of worshiping over korean celebrities...explained why i always write long entries just so she won't bother reading what i wrote about them...;p

back to the nerdy tale. yes i am not a nerd. at least not in appearance. but there's a nerd that lives inside of me. a nerd that comes out at night where i spent hours browsing over linguistics books and methods books and tried to stick a USB drive into my head to save it for good. a nerd that refused to go out during weekends just so she could finish her assignment due the following week. a nerd who let go of every single date she had for she believed that she couldn't commit in a relationship where she needs to divide her time between studying and love. a nerd who prefers to be silent in class even when she knows the answers to every question asked. i've no idea how this nerd got to reside in me in the first place. i just knew that sometimes it acts like a parasite, sucking away all my energy that left me feeling like a worn-out jean. yeah but analogy. i know. but that's the best i could think of. sorry. ;p

now everyone who is everyone keeps asking me the same question over and over again until at one time i thought that they were echoes and that there must be something wrong with my ears, like a cancer or something when really they were just people repeating the same question. it's just a one simple innocent word that ironically makes me cringe every time i hear it. the word "Why?" why did i choose to live a life of a nerd when i could be different? why would i let myself be tormented by my fellow colleagues who make me out to be vindictive and spiteful just because i refused to be understood? why? why? why? (see the echoes i'm talking about??) XD now the problem is not only of the echoes i've heard my whole life. it's also the echoes that i have to hear when i told them why. it's bad enough having to hear the same question being directed at you for years, but to have to hear the same thing coming out of your mouth is another. now the echoes were coming out from my two vital organs; ears and mouth. urrggg!!! so in order to avoid having to repeat myself like a stupid answering machine, here's why. thehehe finally you get to know the reason why this entry is written in the first place. took me so long to get to the objective, isn't it? set induksi yg terlebih panjang maybe...LOL

MONEY.

that's it. that's the reason why i'm a nerd. still in the mist guys? well brace yourself for the longest explanation ever on the importance of money. perhaps you could save this entry and read it out loud to your future daughters when they were old enough to spell A-P-P-L-E means apple. perhaps you didn't know that to be born as a girl and to be loved was so hard. there must almost always money involved. especially for girls like me whose life has been dedicated entirely on shopping. and shopping. and shopping some more. if you were to do a quick survey out there and asked any passing women their choice; for love OR money, 99% of them would say money. the thing is, i would say money as well. except for the fact that i'd really like to be in that 1% ever since i was six years old watching beauty and the beast like it was the best fairytale ever. so i've decided to work my butt to be in that 1% while at the same time not losing the privilege to pamper myself with the shopping spree. and that's how i came up with this brilliant scheme;

1. i would work my ass off in studying even if it kills me.
2. with my perseverance, i would graduate with the first-honour degree.
3. with my oh-so-good degree, i would be working where the pay weighs a ton.
4. with my sky-high salary, i would save some of the dimes and spend most of it.
5. with the money i have on my own, i would get to marry a guy for love instead of money.

now you see where this goes? money is the ultimate factor in my life that keeps me moving forward. if i were to slack in my studying, then i won't get a good job in the future. and without a good job, i won't get enough money to spend. and without money, i would have to resort to marrying a guy for his money since i obviously can't live without it. but...on the other hand, if my scheme works well, then i won't have to find guys just so i could put a hole in his wallet since i have my own wallet to be burned. but i must make sure first that the money is in an infinite amount so that no matter how much were burned, i am still rich as ever. and when that happens, i won't have to marry guys for money. i get to realize my six-year-old dream's of a happily ever after. but of course, that guy must have his own money as well. he couldn't very much marry me for my money, obviously. he just won't have to have all the money in the universe to make me happy. just enough to make me want to stay at his side, and to be protected. i like him to ask me silly questions like have i eaten when obviously i have since it's way past breaking fast time, to laugh at my jokes when i myself didn't even laugh at it, to let me have a bantering session with him since i totally love it so much so that deeba felt like i was bullying her. (take note: bullying carries a negative connotation to it while bantering doesn't..;p) what i don't like is when guys open the car door for me, when guys carry my handbag for me, when guys refuse to split the bills, yadda yadda yadda. that makes me feel like i was incapable of taking care of myself. which is soo not true. i know how to open a car door on my own since i was five by the way. in making decision however, i would rather leave it to him. i'm pretty indecisive. fine. i'm super duper hyper indecisive. so please don't ask me where to go for breaking fast, what food to order, when to pay the streamyx bills, and all the WH-Questions by right. okke ni dah stat melalut dah ni...focus effa focus!!!

so that's the end of this dramatic explanation on why i am a nerd.
and yeah if anyone ever asked me this question EVER again, i swear i'll make them read this entry for 218 times until they can recite it word for word.

p/s: for nerds out there, do rejoice for being one...it might come handy someday...;p

an ode to you.

last day of practicum.

finally. my suffering ends.

that's how i thought my entry would be written if you asked me three months ago. guess i was wrong. the thing about writing your future is that it is changeable. just because you wrote it down doesn't mean that it'll definitely happen. the word is MAYBE. not DEFINITELY.

and the future i planned to write MAYBE has changed.

and MAYBE i should stop writing my future from now on. because they tend to change a lot. and i hate having to rewrite everything all over again knowing that i am wrong. i hate making mistakes. who doesn't? the thing is i've been making them quite a lot lately. so here's one thing i hope would not turn into a mistake;

...rewriting this entry. so here goes...

last day of practicum.

i managed to snag a period before recess from Mdm Bavanee saying i wanted to see them for the last time. them here refers to 1C students; the only class i taught that i haven't said goodbye yet. hell they don't even know this is my last day. i never told them. and they never ask. so that's how the days passed without any of us really know what awaits us on this very day.

they were late (as usual...) from ICT Lab. and for the first time ever i was glad they were late. it gave me some time to pull myself together. you must be wondering why is it that this class would be harder from any other classes i've said goodbye so far? the difference is that they are 1C; the first class i entered three months ago as a trainee teacher. who would have guessed it would be the last class as well? in a way, i am most close to them.

a moment alone can actually teach you more than a moment full of people. and there i was. standing at the front of an empty classroom. one by one they came back - memories of making them sign the ground rules on the first day, memories of their worthy-academy-award performance during dr izaham's observation, memories of storming out of class early for their misbehaviour, memories of laughing so hard during choral speaking training that we hurt our sides...we've learned about each other all in this very small four-sided sanctuary. the sanctuary that i won't be entering anymore from now on. and it won't be our sanctuary anymore. just yours. not ours.

and so on that very last day i left them with memories to hold on to and promises well kept. on that last day i did all the things i promised them i would. i taught chee shean and jun ming how to solve the rubik cube. just like i promised them i would. i won't leave them with unkept promises. i gave them the notes for next week's exam and finally i gave them a token of our bond; a reminder of what we've shared that no one else knew. they spent the rest of the day with me in the staffroom. they requested from the other teachers entering their class to let them hang out with me to take pictures. they cried. and i cried.

and that's how my practicum ends.

in tears of regret and joy. regret for not being able to do my best when i know i can do better. joy for knowing that yes they do love and appreciate me.

they might never know this. but the worst fear i felt the first time entering their class was not the fear of not being able to teach them properly. it was the fear of not being loved. yeah that's how self-centered and self-conceited i am. i am not a good person. i never considered myself to be one. now it shows right?

dear god, please don't let them forget me.
please don't let them.
please.

because i know i won't...

funny how they kept saying how much they love me. even funnier how they never knew...that i loved them first.