a good girl i am.

a good girl i am. everyone says so. i've been hearing that ever since i was a zygote. my mum said that it didn't take long for her to deliver me. she didn't even realize i was already out of her womb. you see i let myself out even before she could make it to the operation table. at least that's what she said. no offense, but my mum can sometimes be a very good exaggerator. so i'm doubting that information somehow. but still i could have been mother theresa if i hadn't known any better.

a good girl i am that as a kid, i was blessed with the soul of an angel, or rather a mouse who was too timid to even kill insects that frightened her sleepless nights. i would lay still in bed and watched intently as the cockroaches, lizards, or even ants greeting each other on the walls. yes i was even scared of the ants. at six years old, kids my age were already up and about riding their bicycles without holding on to the handles. me on the other hand couldn't even ride the three-wheeled bicycle. and all those times i've never asked my family members to teach me to ride one since i believe with all my heart that at that time they must have had some other important things to worry about like washing the car or patting the cat.

yes a good girl i am at school that i made myself a bully's dream. i was weak in generally all subjects. you see i didn't enroll in any preschools or kindergarten so i came with the full package of an illiterate and a math idiot. not my parents' fault though since they did send me to a kindergarten once but i climbed the windows and ran home crying. the world out there for me is too dangerous to walk upon without adults protecting me. i refused to let myself be influenced with all the bad kids for fear that i would not be a good girl anymore. and that's how good i am. nobody wanted to be my friend since they claimed that if you taught a stupid kid, then you'll turn stupid as well. duh of course it's not true. everyone knows that but since it sounds tragic, kids believe it anyway. so began my turbulent days as a seven-year-old. i've never cursed them or shouted at them since that's not what a good girl would do. what i did was that i stayed late at night every night to study alphabets and numbers. i even stayed up later than my sister who was having her UPSR that year. see what a good girl would do. halfway through the year, i got number one in the exam. in a day, i got more friends than i could even remember seeing them in class. and i've never mentioned anything of their ill-behaviour in the past. not even once. my mum would have been proud of me.

a good girl i am that throughout my school years i scored straight As in big exams. i fulfilled my parents' expectation in having a good girl as a daughter. and they've never forgot to remind me that i was their pride and having said that would make me even prouder of myself. i really believe that i was born as if by a slip of fate into making the world a better place merely by my existence. yes you can say that naivety was my middle name at that time. how i wish that everyone was more like me and less like them so that all parents would be much happier raising their children. (ok this is as good time as any to throw yourself over the balcony by reading such conceited thoughts but spare me i didn't know any better back then!)

a good girl i am that my role model was myself. i didn't have to search high and low for a role model to turns to. i just looked at the mirror and found the perfect role model staring back innocently. i graduated from high school with certainty that i would get accepted into university and i did. i passed all my semesters by enlisting myself in the dean lists and so far my life has been like my studying timetable where i could plan in advance what i wanted to do and actually get it done. i would graduate with modesty and secure my life financially and snag a decent guy with a lot of money to offer and responsibilities as well like what mdm mazlen taught us in women in literature class. now that was our own 'awakening'. the way things are going right now, i might even die as a martyr. a rich one at that. or so i thought.

sadly, a good girl i am that i've hurt quite a number of souls in order to retain my role as the good girl. i''ve hurt the one guy that i really like, that i could even love if i stayed longer. i've hurt my parents by doing things insincerely just to please them occasionally yet they knew i was pretending. i've hurt my friends by not hanging out with them even in our last semester for fear that i might jeopardize my study. and i've hurt myself badly along the way.

i wanted to be the bad girl for once.
i wanted to skip classes once in a while and not feel bad about it.
i wanted to go on a normal date without having to think when is the right time to do so.
i wanted to throw away all the sticky notes on my wall so that i could forget all the assignments.
i wanted to go for a spur-of-the-moment shopping with my friends all day long.
i wanted to to be a good girl for my parents without having to try to be one.
i wanted to be a good girl and be happy all at the same time.

a good girl i am that it makes me feel bad inside.
if this is how a good girl supposed to feel then yes, a good girl i am. indeed.

***this entry is actually written in a rather joyful tone as impossible as it sounds since the author has nothing against her past or current life. this is merely a lamentation/exaggeration over her exhausting week and the weeks to come. perhaps she got that from her mum. sorry to disappoint you into thinking that her life sucks more than yours. she is actually rather satisfied with her life. at times she even thinks that your life sucks more than hers. no hard feelings guys ^^;

energy oozing.

having your ideas rejected blatantly is tough.
having to compromise is depressing.
having to say 'yes' when you really don't feel like doing so is torture.
having to pretend enthusiastic when you feel suicidal is...well suicidal.
wanting to get better grades but wasn't allowed to is sad.
seeing things in different perspective yet wasn't understood by others is painful.
chasing after AE deadlines while finishing on-going assessments is excruciating.
trying to apply for MA without knowing how to is frustrating.
waiting for graduation is tiring.

do you think bill gates would want to marry me if he met me?
now THAT would be great.

so much for dreams.
guess that's why my entry is so colourful even though my mood is so grey.