of ribbon and tinsel foil.

how far would you go to protect someone you love from someone you love? i'd say quite far, if you really put your heart into it. Lave (1991) proposed that in order to improve continuously, you need to do what machines cannot do; you step out of the system, and reason about it.

so when you asked the other day of why i left four years ago, i told you what i believe you need to hear. what i did and why i did it are things that are necessary for both of us, even when at that time, you couldn't see it. i don't blame you. it took some time for me to see that too. but at least one of us saw it first. and that's crucial since obviously one of us need to take that first step and let go. and i happened to be that first.

you argued saying it's not that i left that hurts the most. it's the fact that i disappeared. at that time, it was the only thing i could think of. you wouldn't leave me. and you wouldn't let me leave. so i disappeared. even if i told you and explained to you detail by detail, fact by fact, your pea-sized brain wouldn't be able to fathom even an ounce of them. and this is why you won't ever understand;

because you're a guy.
because you were borne as a guy.
and because you're a guy, you won't know how hard it is to be borne as a girl.
you can't see how important it is to make others happy, and at the same time to convince them that you are.
and because you're a guy, you can only see your sufferings.
and you can't see that perhaps i hurt more than you did.
that sometimes a girl has to choose between the one she loves or the ones who love her.
and that she can't very well choose both.
neither can she choose you and abandon them.
because they are her everything.
and you couldn't see that after all.
because you're a guy, you chose to see only your pain.
and closed your eyes to hers.
maybe because to you, blaming is easier than reasoning.
to be sympathized is better than to empathize.
because you're just a guy.
so you can't see how long it takes for a girl to convince herself to move on.
how many times she thought of you in a day.
how hard it is to erase a number she'll never forget.
how tiring it is to keep a straight face when others mentioned your name.
throwing away gifts and the smell lingered for years.
because i'm a girl.
i'd get teary-eyed for no reason.
i'd miss you at random moments.
that i called them everytime i miss you.
so that i can hear their voice.
how happy they are just because i left you.
how much happier they sound compared to before.
and how worth it to do what i did.
so that little by little, i'll miss you less.
time after time, i'll learn to forget you.
since i'm a girl.
to whom they are everything.
and since you're a guy.
you can't see it before.
and you can't even see it now.
and perhaps you'll never be able to see it.
ever.
because you're a guy.
to whom yourself is everything.

you see, it's not what you did that they disapproved of. it's who you are. and who you are is something that neither of us can change. who you are doesn't fit their world. so it doesn't matter how well you fit into mine. because our worlds transcend each other. because it's tiring to be on guard all the time, waiting for them to criticize simple things you do. and to fight for you repeatedly. to defend someone i love from someone i love. it's like opening a birthday gift for the first time - you'll get confused between keeping the ribbon or the tinsel foil. because you love them just as much.

because at that time, i realized that maybe, just maybe i love you more than i love myself. so i left. because when you start to love someone more than you love yourself, you tend to hurt people around you. and eventually yourself. that's why.

i've never loved anyone more than i love myself since.

which are you.

i didn't mean to overlook

somehow i took the wrong turn
somehow i glanced at the wrong time
somehow i was a bit late
somehow you were early

it could be hundred different reasons
why we never met
and somehow it explains
why i never know which one are you

you could be the one i saw at the red light
or the one who accidentally dumped coffee on me
or the brunette sitting next to me on the train everyday
or the passer-by at the park with the dog on leash

i waited for the sign -
a star shining too bright
a bell chimes too loud
a heart beats too fast
but found nothing

one day i turned impatient
decided to fast-forward my story
that's when our eyes met
after i blocked your car (on purpose)

the problem with technology -
they failed more than succeed
with fast-forwarding
you missed important details like

he could be the one i saw at the red light
or the one who accidentally dumped coffee on me
or the brunette sitting next to me on the train everyday
or the passer-by at the park with the dog on leash

god finally got his act together
put things back to where they belong
let nature takes its own turn
by taking you away

you could be the one i saw at the red light
or the one who accidentally dumped coffee on me
or the brunette sitting next to me on the train everyday
or the passer-by at the park with the dog on leash

or the one humming to this song this moment
so now we're back to square one --sigh--


written by: effa hamid.

NOTE: THE AUTHOR WAS IN BOREDOMLAND WHEN SHE WROTE THIS CRAP. DO FORGIVE HER SPUR-OF-THE-MOMENT'S INSANITY. TQ.

years to be remembered.

one more day until 2010.

last semester, i happened to chat with my childhood friend whom i last saw in my sixth grade. he was taking naval architecture and shipbuilding so he said. not that i can really fathom what he meant by that complicated terms but yeah i figured it had to do with building a ship. obvious enough? hahah. i'm totally clueless when it comes to terms that i'm unfamiliar with and that include all terms except language terms that i've learned in my TESL programme. the thing is, this week (again!) i happened to bump into my best friend from high school and we went down the memory lanes (again!) and it was a hell of a ride..;)

so here's the deal; lately i've been thinking what if i never met the friends that i've met and known my whole lives? what if i met a different set of them instead? would it have changed who i am today? this very moment? would i have turned out differently? would i have different favourite colour? would i be driving a different set of wheels today? would i be someone i would likely to hate today if i looked at them? can a friend really have that significant impact in my life that he/she can determine which side of coins i'll get; the heads or the tails?

and here's the verdict (after a bloody battle going on between my shoulder angel and my constant companion the devil) ; a part of who i am today is the one part that can never be changed no matter whom i befriended. it kinda permanently stays with me because i believe that breaking bad habits are not as easy as developing them. the other part, the much bigger one, on the other hand, is the part that i gave willingly to my friends to mold and to crush and also sometimes, to mend. this is the part that changes without cessation, depending on whom i gave that part to. i believe that this is the most vital part in my life because it can either be harmonious or harmful, making me suicidal or a murderer, a generous person, or simply someone with no heart at all. it makes you scary beyond all reason and powerful as well. and all these because you've decided that a certain someone is worth to be called a friend.

but that doesn't mean that you should avoid all types of people that you think are harmful to your insecure lives. because believe it or not, you can never run away from them. if evil can be detected through appearance merely, then the human population would increase tremendously with rapers and serial killers being put behind bars. sadly though, we can't. just imagine; a mother opened the door to a sexagenarian with a warm smile and crinkling eyes and he ended up killing the whole family after robbing off their money. i mean why can't evil look evil? okay this entry is starting to get way depressing so i'm just gonna skip all these metaphors and get to the point. at times, you actually need these evil people in your lives. why? because they might teach you things that you can never learn in books. no matter how many theories you've learned, how many books you've read, how many philosophies hammered into your pea-sized brain, you can only learn the lesson of life through experience.

"by learning pain, you will be more kind to others"

this line is actually taken from 'D-Technolife' performed by 'UVERworld'. this band is one of my faves of all times. their songs are just marvelous with wonderful lyrics and alternative rock music. okay enough promoting music bands here. my point is evil people will fool, or worse, hurt you at least once in your life. and after a long painful year(s) of swearing and grunting, you'd finally see life in a different view, like maybe you used to see it from a tree and now you're seeing it from a rooftop. yeah i know bad analogy. but i can't help to use analogies even though i'm bad at them. it sounds wicked and sarcastic to my ears. ^^;

for me, the greatest pleasure of having a friend is the feeling of incomplete with absence. especially of those who really, and i mean really understand and can differentiate between what i want and what i need, and most importantly, who i am. they are the ones who knew me when i'm sad without me having to tell them that i missed a certain someone. the ones who won't persuade me to share my doubts in passing my practicum when i'm not in the mood of doing so. the ones who stand by and let me cry because they knew it'd make me feel better instead of faking a smile like i often did (urm i think this happened last semester, the first time i wasn't enlisted in the DL) isk..isk..it still hurts sometimes. but yeah i'll get over it. i've been hurt quite a zillionth time already and some of those wounds still left stitches in my heart which stayed there because they must, or else my heart might shatter into bits and pieces.

my friends used to make fun of me being so secretive about my life, especially about the problems i sometimes had. but they would instantly knew that i had them when i turned so quiet for the rest of the day or maybe the whole week. since then, they've stopped asking why. they finally figured out that i am one of those people whose hearts mend easier by itself. that's just me. if i want the whole world to know my pain and sorrow, i would have written my own songs and became a recording artiste and eventually sung my songs in public and have strangers interpreting and poking their noses into my oh-so-sad-and-tragic life. bleuhhhh~! attention is definitely not something i'm good at. the more invisible, the better. that's my motto in life. and i'm doing pretty well if i say so myself, with not many people acknowledging my existence in the fac or even in the classroom. even my class rep during semester two swore that he never saw me in class after like a few months of starting the semester (i think he'd knew this is him if he read this which i'm pretty sure he won't because he's not a very big fan of blogs i think).

with this, i would like to express my thanks to my friends (yes, you!) who have been loyally following my blog and straining your eyes reading my ever-so-long entries..;p and also special thanks to my besties who knew me well enough to make me willingly gave a part of me to them...

TESLians:

::. Deeba, Tnee, Naddy, Ano, Sya, Syu

Mahmudians:

::. Ella, Iezy, Emah, Ma, Dani

and someone who taught me that broken hearts do heal, that's where strength comes from:

::. Im

this is my last entry for the year. farewell 2009, welcome 2010.

Assalamualaikum.

half is not whole.

the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.

the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.

the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.

the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.

the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.

half is not whole.

but now we must make it so.

~ taken from lauren. thanks. for everything.

down the memory lane.

it is said that women remember things that men would find impossible to remember; phone numbers, datelines, license number, IC number, promises made months ago, silly jokes laughed at years ago, people they met only once a few years back and so on. what is it with guys that they can't remember? that has got to cross your mind at least once. is it because they're too lazy to do it? or they just plain dumb? or maybe there's a scientific explanation like the males' memory retention is low than that of females'? don't get me wrong i am not a women activist at all. and i am no men-hater either. i believe that both species can actually get along well together under certain circumstances of course. i've even met guys who are actually good with their memories and i've certainly met girls who can't even remember their own cell number. the truth is i enjoyed befriended both types meaning those who can remember well and the opposite. the world is made up of pros and cons right?

the nice thing about having photographic-memory friends is that they can get you out of trouble by simply revisiting an event in their minds. like how you're being blamed at for not locking up the house when you're positive than ever that you did. like how people laugh at someone else's jokes which was originally your jokes a few months ago. like when you've returned something you've borrowed and that person claimed that you didn't. i'm talking about rare cases where you don't have any proof but only a witness. these are the moments where you need witness with superior memory.

the pros of having friends who can't even seem to remember the last time they took their bath is on the other hand not a bad thing either. like how you said hurtful things at them without really meaning to. like when you 'accidentally' start your own idol show and can't seem to stop singing when they're in the midst of finishing an assignment. like when you forgot to turn off their laptop for them. people who easily forget things i'm telling you they don't even bother with these stuffs because they can't even remember them the next morning. or the following week. so yeah i like having them as friends either.

so yes i'm glad to have multi-purpose friends all over the town. it kinda helps me. it does. but more so i like friends who can lie for me. cover-all-the-tracks stuffs. that's the best. XD

and which types i fell into? i can only tell you that i'm definitely not both. it has to be only one. your pick. ;p

no strings attached. maybe.

god tied you and i together by our little fingers with a long red string. this bond of destiny cannot be seen. and there is no map to you. and it's a miracle how we found each other.

it is said that after a person is born, they will meet approximately 30,000 people before they die. of those, the number of people you'll meet and work with at school is 3,000. and of those, you'll intimately know 300. among all those encounters, it' s said that god has arranged a special one for you. one made from before you were born. however, that bond of fate is invisible to everyone. and yet that unseen person is your destiny. is connected to you by a red string on your pinky.

and that's how we fell in love.

over the years i was so busy looking at you that i couldn't see how broken my heart is. how lose the red string has came to be. and yet knowing that it was neither our fault. it was an accident. not the kinds where sirens sound though. it hits us silently yet painfully. so i was wondering...

how do you forget someone whom you've found miraculously without a map?
what if you never find someone else the same way again?
what if it was a mistake and he never have the red string in the first place?
what if he really was the one?
what if i...
what if he...
what if we...
oh, damn.

nerd attack.

being a nerd is no fun. period. you will get teased a lot. you will be the last person picked out in a group work. you won't even get to have guys gave you a once-over. you might never went out on a date for the rest of your lives and end up marrying the guy your parents found for you who happens to be the boy you secretly hate during your childhood. and yeah even though bill gates had committed the ultimate revenge by being one of the most richest and successful man on earth, it didn't change the fact that humans are still governed and always will be governed by outward appearance. beauty is a must. heart is a bonus. welcome to the real world.

reading this, you might be thinking that yes i am one of those girls who were born as if by a slip of fate to be less prettier than the normal girls out there. teeeet~ as much as you want that to be true, it wasn't. muahahaha...i don't think as myself as the nerdy types with horn-rimmed glasses and braided hair with baggy sweaters and sneakers. and i am not the princessy-types either with heavy makeup and branded clothes hugging my Tyra Bank's figure. not that that wouldn't be a dream for me, it's just that it would be a nightmare for my housemates who predicted incessantly that my head would be up in space if i were to be all glam and popular. jealousy vibe detected, don't you think? ohoho lucky enough my housemates don't have any blogs except for ano whom i doubt will read this long entry and risk her ever-precious minutes of worshiping over korean celebrities...explained why i always write long entries just so she won't bother reading what i wrote about them...;p

back to the nerdy tale. yes i am not a nerd. at least not in appearance. but there's a nerd that lives inside of me. a nerd that comes out at night where i spent hours browsing over linguistics books and methods books and tried to stick a USB drive into my head to save it for good. a nerd that refused to go out during weekends just so she could finish her assignment due the following week. a nerd who let go of every single date she had for she believed that she couldn't commit in a relationship where she needs to divide her time between studying and love. a nerd who prefers to be silent in class even when she knows the answers to every question asked. i've no idea how this nerd got to reside in me in the first place. i just knew that sometimes it acts like a parasite, sucking away all my energy that left me feeling like a worn-out jean. yeah but analogy. i know. but that's the best i could think of. sorry. ;p

now everyone who is everyone keeps asking me the same question over and over again until at one time i thought that they were echoes and that there must be something wrong with my ears, like a cancer or something when really they were just people repeating the same question. it's just a one simple innocent word that ironically makes me cringe every time i hear it. the word "Why?" why did i choose to live a life of a nerd when i could be different? why would i let myself be tormented by my fellow colleagues who make me out to be vindictive and spiteful just because i refused to be understood? why? why? why? (see the echoes i'm talking about??) XD now the problem is not only of the echoes i've heard my whole life. it's also the echoes that i have to hear when i told them why. it's bad enough having to hear the same question being directed at you for years, but to have to hear the same thing coming out of your mouth is another. now the echoes were coming out from my two vital organs; ears and mouth. urrggg!!! so in order to avoid having to repeat myself like a stupid answering machine, here's why. thehehe finally you get to know the reason why this entry is written in the first place. took me so long to get to the objective, isn't it? set induksi yg terlebih panjang maybe...LOL

MONEY.

that's it. that's the reason why i'm a nerd. still in the mist guys? well brace yourself for the longest explanation ever on the importance of money. perhaps you could save this entry and read it out loud to your future daughters when they were old enough to spell A-P-P-L-E means apple. perhaps you didn't know that to be born as a girl and to be loved was so hard. there must almost always money involved. especially for girls like me whose life has been dedicated entirely on shopping. and shopping. and shopping some more. if you were to do a quick survey out there and asked any passing women their choice; for love OR money, 99% of them would say money. the thing is, i would say money as well. except for the fact that i'd really like to be in that 1% ever since i was six years old watching beauty and the beast like it was the best fairytale ever. so i've decided to work my butt to be in that 1% while at the same time not losing the privilege to pamper myself with the shopping spree. and that's how i came up with this brilliant scheme;

1. i would work my ass off in studying even if it kills me.
2. with my perseverance, i would graduate with the first-honour degree.
3. with my oh-so-good degree, i would be working where the pay weighs a ton.
4. with my sky-high salary, i would save some of the dimes and spend most of it.
5. with the money i have on my own, i would get to marry a guy for love instead of money.

now you see where this goes? money is the ultimate factor in my life that keeps me moving forward. if i were to slack in my studying, then i won't get a good job in the future. and without a good job, i won't get enough money to spend. and without money, i would have to resort to marrying a guy for his money since i obviously can't live without it. but...on the other hand, if my scheme works well, then i won't have to find guys just so i could put a hole in his wallet since i have my own wallet to be burned. but i must make sure first that the money is in an infinite amount so that no matter how much were burned, i am still rich as ever. and when that happens, i won't have to marry guys for money. i get to realize my six-year-old dream's of a happily ever after. but of course, that guy must have his own money as well. he couldn't very much marry me for my money, obviously. he just won't have to have all the money in the universe to make me happy. just enough to make me want to stay at his side, and to be protected. i like him to ask me silly questions like have i eaten when obviously i have since it's way past breaking fast time, to laugh at my jokes when i myself didn't even laugh at it, to let me have a bantering session with him since i totally love it so much so that deeba felt like i was bullying her. (take note: bullying carries a negative connotation to it while bantering doesn't..;p) what i don't like is when guys open the car door for me, when guys carry my handbag for me, when guys refuse to split the bills, yadda yadda yadda. that makes me feel like i was incapable of taking care of myself. which is soo not true. i know how to open a car door on my own since i was five by the way. in making decision however, i would rather leave it to him. i'm pretty indecisive. fine. i'm super duper hyper indecisive. so please don't ask me where to go for breaking fast, what food to order, when to pay the streamyx bills, and all the WH-Questions by right. okke ni dah stat melalut dah ni...focus effa focus!!!

so that's the end of this dramatic explanation on why i am a nerd.
and yeah if anyone ever asked me this question EVER again, i swear i'll make them read this entry for 218 times until they can recite it word for word.

p/s: for nerds out there, do rejoice for being one...it might come handy someday...;p