so when you asked the other day of why i left four years ago, i told you what i believe you need to hear. what i did and why i did it are things that are necessary for both of us, even when at that time, you couldn't see it. i don't blame you. it took some time for me to see that too. but at least one of us saw it first. and that's crucial since obviously one of us need to take that first step and let go. and i happened to be that first.
you argued saying it's not that i left that hurts the most. it's the fact that i disappeared. at that time, it was the only thing i could think of. you wouldn't leave me. and you wouldn't let me leave. so i disappeared. even if i told you and explained to you detail by detail, fact by fact, your pea-sized brain wouldn't be able to fathom even an ounce of them. and this is why you won't ever understand;
because you're a guy.
because you were borne as a guy.
and because you're a guy, you won't know how hard it is to be borne as a girl.
you can't see how important it is to make others happy, and at the same time to convince them that you are.
and because you're a guy, you can only see your sufferings.
and you can't see that perhaps i hurt more than you did.
that sometimes a girl has to choose between the one she loves or the ones who love her.
and that she can't very well choose both.
neither can she choose you and abandon them.
because they are her everything.
and you couldn't see that after all.
because you're a guy, you chose to see only your pain.
and closed your eyes to hers.
maybe because to you, blaming is easier than reasoning.
to be sympathized is better than to empathize.
because you're just a guy.
so you can't see how long it takes for a girl to convince herself to move on.
how many times she thought of you in a day.
how hard it is to erase a number she'll never forget.
how tiring it is to keep a straight face when others mentioned your name.
throwing away gifts and the smell lingered for years.
because i'm a girl.
i'd get teary-eyed for no reason.
i'd miss you at random moments.
that i called them everytime i miss you.
so that i can hear their voice.
how happy they are just because i left you.
how much happier they sound compared to before.
and how worth it to do what i did.
so that little by little, i'll miss you less.
time after time, i'll learn to forget you.
since i'm a girl.
to whom they are everything.
and since you're a guy.
you can't see it before.
and you can't even see it now.
and perhaps you'll never be able to see it.
ever.
because you're a guy.
to whom yourself is everything.
you see, it's not what you did that they disapproved of. it's who you are. and who you are is something that neither of us can change. who you are doesn't fit their world. so it doesn't matter how well you fit into mine. because our worlds transcend each other. because it's tiring to be on guard all the time, waiting for them to criticize simple things you do. and to fight for you repeatedly. to defend someone i love from someone i love. it's like opening a birthday gift for the first time - you'll get confused between keeping the ribbon or the tinsel foil. because you love them just as much.
because at that time, i realized that maybe, just maybe i love you more than i love myself. so i left. because when you start to love someone more than you love yourself, you tend to hurt people around you. and eventually yourself. that's why.
i've never loved anyone more than i love myself since.
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