darn if you do, darn if you don't.

Trophy (n.) - a prize, such as a gold or silver cup, which is given to the winner of a competition or race, and often returned after a year to be given to the winner of the competition in the following year.

sure, being a trophy may seem like an indulgence, but the downside of a trophy, albeit shiny and to die for, aren't easy to be maintained.

i was my parents' trophy. i was polished everyday. it was not a wrong thing to do. not at all. but at that tender age, i knew nothing of parenthood. so i took it the wrong way. being teachers, they wanted me to have the kind of education they never have had before. mum was an orphan, she fought her way to university as the eldest child. dad came from an underprivileged family with nine siblings. financial crisis was almost always a hindrance. they learned the hard way.

when i was seven, report cards were an anxiety. my parents put them under microscope, they analyzed and synthesized the content. i caught up pretty fast; lines of As equal to big grins, Bs means smiles, and others just a nod. i paved my way through middle school and somehow finished it with huge grins plastered all over their faces. i loved being a trophy.

secondary school was a bit of a flop for me. every time i did poorly in exams, mum wouldn't talk to people about it. she changed the subject immediately. the times when i did great, she couldn't stop gushing about it. i knew that i've to maintain my performance or else i won't be a trophy anymore. i'd get rusty and no amount of polishing would return my shine. when i was 15, i met my first fairytale. in fact, we're so fairytale it makes people sick. it didn't take long for mum to figure it out. her first question was not of his manners, definitely not of his personality, but none other than "what number did he get in exams?" yup, mum was dead serious when it comes to education.

now that i'm an adult, i began to see things the way she saw them. i lectured my sister about messy bedroom, scattered books, dirty laundry, and unworthy boyfriend. you see, it's not that she's a trophy to me; one that needs to be polished so that i won't have to return her the following year. definitely not. i'm just being...my mum. taking care of things that i believe she couldn't do so herself. but lately, i began to have doubt over that practice. perhaps i should let her make her own mistakes, giving her the chance to figure out the best way to live her life. the chance i never had. i never knew if the fairytale i had almost a decade ago would have worked out fine. i never knew if he was really a mistake. because i left him. because mum said he was a mistake. maybe he was. but even if he was, i think i would prefer to find that out by myself rather than having someone told me. so yeah maybe i'll let my sister live her own bloody life.

trophy or not, never let people define you by what you do. but rather define yourself by who you are. you'll be a lot happier. don't hold grudge over your mum, by the way. she only wanted to make you happy, which requires her to make a tough call once in a while. so live your life to make her happy, even if it means that you'll get bruises here and there. remember, she bruised more during labour. ;)