i don't know men.

i don't really know men. all those years living with a father and two older brothers did nothing to accentuate my knowledge on men. dad prefers to keep things to himself, and i never questioned any of his wisdom and principles. that's just the way things are at home, i suppose. with along, he likes to poke his nose into my business only if it added points to his business as well. and all embarrassing stuffs i did as a kid, he remembers them all. and i mean all. he said that was essential for his survival in the old days, to remind him of how lucky he is for not being the one to commit the shameful act. so much for brotherly act. my angah, on the contrary, preserves gold in his mouth. he barely speaks a word a day. to hear him cough is enough to be claimed as a lifetime glory. he would rather shut himself in his room and play ps2 instead of making small talks with us. but at least i would say he's making improvement now; you can actually hear his footsteps in the house. that's gotta take some guts, i tell you. and so that's the only thing i knew about men. and to be frank, that wasn't much.

as a kid, mum did not allow any of us girls to play outside. she said the dog would bite us, the postman would kidnap us, the neighbours would torture us in a slow and painful death, the cars would run us over, and all the crappy things that crappy siblings like us crappily believe. seriously, mum should really audition for desperate housewives kinda role. and terri hatcher could kiss her acting career goodbye. so that was how my child years passed me by; my playpen was within the four walls of my house. school years was not much different. i didn't have many guy friends. i wasn't the bubbly type, and who am i kidding, i only played with my dolls and had no human contact beyond my sibling relationship. my social skills sucked. wait i mean suck. they still are by the way. childhood experience can be psychologically threatening to our future peeps. take note of that. to top it all off, my brothers were the first two in the sibling line up, so due to the age gap, you could say we definitely did not hit it off right. at that tender age, i don't know why boys like to make fun of girls, i don't know why boys like to make girls cry, i don't know why boys chased girls literally, i don't know why boys checked their hair in the mirror every two seconds, i don't know why boys could be so mean one time and so nice the next, i don't know why boys like to play hide and seek only with certain girls, i don't know why boys teased a girl when everyone was looking but gave her flowers when no one was looking. i don't know boys.

but probably, there were few men in my life who impressively leave a mark. impressive because i have an extremely bad memory and would suck at being a CSI team member. some of them liked to watch the stars for some unknown reason, they loved football more than the ball loves them, they definitely liked pretty girls, they called their mum 'mummy' as irritating as it sounds, they wanted to have their girlfriend as their bestfriend, they had a huge ego the size of an european circus, their bad hair day equals to everyday, they had zero sense of style even though they seriously believes they had, they adopted almost every girl in the school as their sisters, they gossiped about their friend's ex-girlfriend's boyfriend with the same enthusiasm as playing football, they borrowed people's stuffs and only returned them once broken, they apologized to people by scrawling sorry words on their desks, they're nocturnal creatures, they never finished homework, they skipped classes as a weekly routine, they wanted to have a fairytale tragic love story but with happy ending somewhere between winter sonata or kal ho naa ho, they promised to never leave their first love as long as she needs them, and some of them even married their first love.

i don't really know men. i don't know why they did the things they did, and why is it sometimes they hurt the ones they love when they have the choice not to. why do they hurt the most those whom they love the most? i don't know men. do you?