years to be remembered.

one more day until 2010.

last semester, i happened to chat with my childhood friend whom i last saw in my sixth grade. he was taking naval architecture and shipbuilding so he said. not that i can really fathom what he meant by that complicated terms but yeah i figured it had to do with building a ship. obvious enough? hahah. i'm totally clueless when it comes to terms that i'm unfamiliar with and that include all terms except language terms that i've learned in my TESL programme. the thing is, this week (again!) i happened to bump into my best friend from high school and we went down the memory lanes (again!) and it was a hell of a ride..;)

so here's the deal; lately i've been thinking what if i never met the friends that i've met and known my whole lives? what if i met a different set of them instead? would it have changed who i am today? this very moment? would i have turned out differently? would i have different favourite colour? would i be driving a different set of wheels today? would i be someone i would likely to hate today if i looked at them? can a friend really have that significant impact in my life that he/she can determine which side of coins i'll get; the heads or the tails?

and here's the verdict (after a bloody battle going on between my shoulder angel and my constant companion the devil) ; a part of who i am today is the one part that can never be changed no matter whom i befriended. it kinda permanently stays with me because i believe that breaking bad habits are not as easy as developing them. the other part, the much bigger one, on the other hand, is the part that i gave willingly to my friends to mold and to crush and also sometimes, to mend. this is the part that changes without cessation, depending on whom i gave that part to. i believe that this is the most vital part in my life because it can either be harmonious or harmful, making me suicidal or a murderer, a generous person, or simply someone with no heart at all. it makes you scary beyond all reason and powerful as well. and all these because you've decided that a certain someone is worth to be called a friend.

but that doesn't mean that you should avoid all types of people that you think are harmful to your insecure lives. because believe it or not, you can never run away from them. if evil can be detected through appearance merely, then the human population would increase tremendously with rapers and serial killers being put behind bars. sadly though, we can't. just imagine; a mother opened the door to a sexagenarian with a warm smile and crinkling eyes and he ended up killing the whole family after robbing off their money. i mean why can't evil look evil? okay this entry is starting to get way depressing so i'm just gonna skip all these metaphors and get to the point. at times, you actually need these evil people in your lives. why? because they might teach you things that you can never learn in books. no matter how many theories you've learned, how many books you've read, how many philosophies hammered into your pea-sized brain, you can only learn the lesson of life through experience.

"by learning pain, you will be more kind to others"

this line is actually taken from 'D-Technolife' performed by 'UVERworld'. this band is one of my faves of all times. their songs are just marvelous with wonderful lyrics and alternative rock music. okay enough promoting music bands here. my point is evil people will fool, or worse, hurt you at least once in your life. and after a long painful year(s) of swearing and grunting, you'd finally see life in a different view, like maybe you used to see it from a tree and now you're seeing it from a rooftop. yeah i know bad analogy. but i can't help to use analogies even though i'm bad at them. it sounds wicked and sarcastic to my ears. ^^;

for me, the greatest pleasure of having a friend is the feeling of incomplete with absence. especially of those who really, and i mean really understand and can differentiate between what i want and what i need, and most importantly, who i am. they are the ones who knew me when i'm sad without me having to tell them that i missed a certain someone. the ones who won't persuade me to share my doubts in passing my practicum when i'm not in the mood of doing so. the ones who stand by and let me cry because they knew it'd make me feel better instead of faking a smile like i often did (urm i think this happened last semester, the first time i wasn't enlisted in the DL) isk..isk..it still hurts sometimes. but yeah i'll get over it. i've been hurt quite a zillionth time already and some of those wounds still left stitches in my heart which stayed there because they must, or else my heart might shatter into bits and pieces.

my friends used to make fun of me being so secretive about my life, especially about the problems i sometimes had. but they would instantly knew that i had them when i turned so quiet for the rest of the day or maybe the whole week. since then, they've stopped asking why. they finally figured out that i am one of those people whose hearts mend easier by itself. that's just me. if i want the whole world to know my pain and sorrow, i would have written my own songs and became a recording artiste and eventually sung my songs in public and have strangers interpreting and poking their noses into my oh-so-sad-and-tragic life. bleuhhhh~! attention is definitely not something i'm good at. the more invisible, the better. that's my motto in life. and i'm doing pretty well if i say so myself, with not many people acknowledging my existence in the fac or even in the classroom. even my class rep during semester two swore that he never saw me in class after like a few months of starting the semester (i think he'd knew this is him if he read this which i'm pretty sure he won't because he's not a very big fan of blogs i think).

with this, i would like to express my thanks to my friends (yes, you!) who have been loyally following my blog and straining your eyes reading my ever-so-long entries..;p and also special thanks to my besties who knew me well enough to make me willingly gave a part of me to them...

TESLians:

::. Deeba, Tnee, Naddy, Ano, Sya, Syu

Mahmudians:

::. Ella, Iezy, Emah, Ma, Dani

and someone who taught me that broken hearts do heal, that's where strength comes from:

::. Im

this is my last entry for the year. farewell 2009, welcome 2010.

Assalamualaikum.

half is not whole.

the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.

the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.

the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.

the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.

the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.

half is not whole.

but now we must make it so.

~ taken from lauren. thanks. for everything.